Where do you find yourself after feeling lost for a long time you may wonder? I will tell you, friend, that you find yourself over the ocean crashing waves, small sand silvery and sticking to everything, night sky filled with all the stars you forgot were always there and in that sweet-smelling breeze and feeling like a turtle basking in the sun on the bank of a stinky pond.
Too tired to get out of bed to look at the blood moon eclipse but happy to know it was right outside my window I slept fitfully but rose each day to enchanting toddlers that I did not have to wrangle but only obliged to enjoy their songs, hand holding and pleas of running into the ocean.
Cold feet made colder by the lapping ocean salty and stinging in the brisk wind stubbing my toe in the wet sand filled with broken smoothed shells as the dog pulls his leash to chase all the birds snacking on baby clams the ebbing waters reveal.
Hair curlier with salt wind and damp rain refilling the sea and wetting all the fish.
We drive away in the dark, in the rain with yellow fields of safflower stiffly filled from the overnight deluge.
Spring has begrudgingly decided it is time, against all arguments against its arriving, through the soggy ground and under a intermittently grey sky. Wilted and bright crocus push through, once again like they do every year, as a signal the tide is turning away from bitter cold and wind with snow and sleet. The flowering bushes and trees seem silly in this cold cloudy weather like spring is trying to find its giddy up. Maybe if the earth puts on its usual show the sun and warmth and good weather will show it’s face despite all attempts to keep it coming like the next ice age.
Winter, peeling off its layers like an old stripper too tired to really give you a show because you have seen it all before will depart as the earth spins its endless circles around the sun.
I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or freak the fuck out like I did the other day. Maybe all three at the same time cause if my cursing, slamming, stomping yelling kirk out didn’t scare the shit out of my kids I bet laughing will push them right over the edge.
I know everyone looses their tempter sometimes but I lost-lost it. Like a mental patient.
Luckily both kiddos forgave me but they shouldn’t have.
I did warn them, after I had calmed down and regretted everything that came out of my mouth that they need to be more selective with the arguing with me. Don’t argue over dinner, walking the dog, putting the dishes away, cleaning up your room while talking to me like I am the hugest idiot on the planet because there will come a time soon that you will want me to hear your argument because it will really be important and I will be all full up to the gills with yelling at me for dumbass stuff and I won’t listen.
And then you will really hate me. Don’t hate me for making you come to dinner.
I couldn’t sleep last night. It might have been all the sordid images floating around inside my head from watching Wolf of Wall Street and over eating causing me to fitfully sleep. I finally fell asleep only to wake with a start. I was so afraid I had already slept through the night and I had to get up early, on my birthday and go to work. I pushed up on my elbow and looked around at my alarm clock and it was 219am. The time I was born.
Sometimes I can feel my mother breathing down my neck but mostly I just want her to put her hand on my cheek.
Half of the world and all the world comes out of our vagina’s, made inside our bodies and fed from our breasts.
Just let that sink in. That kind of power and control is, well, powerful. I can totally see why it could be intimidating to the other half of the world who makes an infinitesimal contribution in a moment of naked release and why it would seem apt to co-opt that, hold it down, make it seem less than it is and turn the table on who has the most responsibility. I don’t mean the responsibility to make it all perfect although society sure makes it seem that way.
My body, our bodies-all women, have the capability to make life. Now, don’t take this the wrong way in that I mean anything about abortion. Laws. Abortion is a totally separate issue related to a woman’s body. I am talking about a woman’s right to present her body in whatever way she feels fit to do so.
Raising a girl who loves tight pants, hair chalk, lipgloss and covets the idea of what a bra means is daunting and makes me feel nervous every single damn day. I go back and forth from wanting to curb her desires to show her body not because I think that her body is something to hide but am worried about the thoughts others will have about her body that she can’t control and what that means for her safety.
Men can dress however they want and will mostly run the risk of being called ugly, foolish, silly, unfashionable, trendy or stupid. Unless a man puts on a dress or skirt there is nothing that anyone would remark about regarding their sexuality and even then the worst thing they might call a guy is fag or gay which frankly is not an insult just an assumption of their sexual preferences which may be looked down on, disagreed with or disgusted by. A man wearing a dress, a straight dude wearing a dress is not super common in everyday life. Contrasting a woman who could wear a short skirt, low-cut top and high heels and she could be labeled a slut, a whore, asking for crimes to be committed just because of how she is dressed. We are accused of provoking evil thoughts in others just by how we are dressed. Women are so powerful that just by revealing our body in some way we can cause someone to think committing a crime against us is okay because we are asking for it-as if we are only here to serve someone else for their sexual inclinations.
Even as I approach the age of 43 (in just a few days so make sure you wish me a happy birthday motherfuckers) I worry when I get “dressed up” that it’s too much. I worry that I am giving out the wrong idea. I worry that I might look inappropriate. I worry that I am just too much. Is my role, as a woman, to be the smoother-over, to be the cohesive bit that sticks the world together in a peaceful non-violent way? Am I not just the other half of the world, the one that holds the power over myself?
How do we struggle, as women, to make an atmosphere of acceptance and love and criticize less and love more? Am I an example? Am I not just one of many? What role is defined for me and what role do I accept as defined for me?
Where them girls at? Where are the girls of all sizes, shapes, sexual orientation, color, race, religion and thought? Aren’t we already right here, right now, together? What kind of same size, same shape, same socioeconomic sphere does an individual fit into now?
I turn into the sunlight, warm and glaringly bright, longing to feel your hand on my cheek brushing the hair out of my face. Right after you say something crazy and mean because you are the only person who can say things like that and I still love you. Cutting me to the quick, knowing my moves before I can conceive of them but allowing me to think I am the master of invention. Never criticizing my adventures, always bragging about my bravery but wistfully wishing I was choosing to be closer -like in the neighborhood. The neighborhood I live in is the one you built without knowing anything about architecture or design. You made me out of thin air inside your stomach and I can only wonder how perplexing it all was. Making people is the easiest thing but raising them to be adults is so complex because it happens whether you want it to or not. Time moves on even if you don’t get out of bed, brush your teeth or get dressed. Embarrassingly, achingly, longingly desperate for your touch that would assure me that it’s okay to get out of bed, brush my teeth and get dressed. Impenetrable connection that even death can not change.
Nitrogen is very difficult for plants to “fix” out of the soil hence you buy plant food with nitrogen in it to promote greenery. There are two ways nitrogen becomes more bio-available to plants-lightening and snow. I am expecting a lovely spring filled with amazingly blooming fantastic plants, dry enough days with lots of sunshine and warmth. I anticipate a long slow summer with fire flies, baby foxes in the field, bunnies, the cardinals nesting in our forsythia bush again and the bright light of the star the sun beating down on my shoulders and warming me to my core.
If that doesn’t happen motherfuckers I am going to be wicked damn cranky because all this snow is total bullshit. My children have had 9!!!!!!! snow days this year. 9!!!!!!!!!! We live in the mid-atlantic area of the US and our particular state does NOT do well with snow. I am over it. Too much fucking snow and it needs to stop.
It is officially spring in a couple of days and winter will need to take notice and step the fuck down. Put away your polar vortex, cloud cover filled with moisture and freezing wind. WE ARE DONE. Consider this your notice, this is going in your permanent file WINTER, you boring and annoying stupoopid fucking weather system /season.
Fuck you and the cycle you rode in on.