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March 25, 2015

I hear my Mom’s door open and she walks down the stairs to let the dog out for the night. I hear bottle clinking, ice cracking and the door closes and she walks up the stairs shutting her door. The music goes on, the sad music I know she stares at herself in the mirror while she listens and drinks.

I wonder if she brought the whole bottle. Usually she only brings the bottle upstairs for Dad because he gets clumsy walking back and forth up and down the stairs after a three drinks. Dad has fallen down the stairs. On the nights he doesn’t drink as much he has terrible dreams and yells out in his sleep and Mom comes into my bed and sleeps with me.

Maybe I could sleep with her tonight if she’s drunk enough and won’t notice I’m there.

The music goes off and I am sure she’s gone to sleep. No kisses for me good night. I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth even though no one reminds me.

Pulling the covers up and rolling over back in bed, alone in the dark, listening for Mom to get up and remember to say goodnight. I stare at the closet door, thinking about the pieces of the dinner plate and imagine Dad sleeping somewhere, curled up in the backseat drunk not missing me, not missing us, not missing Mom.

As I close my eyes and try to sleep I see Dad’s face that night he killed our other dog. Mom kept shouting at me to go to bed, don’t look at Dad because it’s not Dad. But I can see it’s Dad so I know it’s Dad. I didn’t like that dog because he always peed in my room and barked at me when I tried to play on the swing outside. Just because I didn’t like him doesn’t mean I wanted Dad to kill it. Won’t he feel badly? Won’t he be sorry? Isn’t it mean to kill a dog? I think, even though Mom tells me not to look, that he could do that to me too. Easy-peasy. He could do that to Mom and I know she understands this even though she stands really close to him trying to get him away from the dog as he kicks it around the yard screaming in the night.

Mrs. Schandler opens her back door and the porch light goes on and she yells she is calling the police. The police come. Dad gets taken away and stays away for several months and I don’t really miss him. Mom misses him and buried the dog all by herself behind the shed in a deep hole so the raccoons and foxes don’t dig it up.

Buster likes to lay over top of where the other dog is buried and I wonder if he knows about what is underneath him.


March 23, 2015

If I stare at the mirror long enough it’s almost like I don’t have a face or a body and that makes me feel better. I keep checking to see if I can really be seen and the longer I stare the more I am convinced I don’t show anything.

I wonder how far my Dad has gone and know he will never come back and maybe that will make Mom better. Maybe she will look for me, the me inside me despite how I look on the outside. She always says I have his eyes. I want my own eyes and I don’t want his. I look over at the closet door where I keep my box and think about his dinner plate and here Buster bark outside the back door since the rain has stopped.

Walking down the stairs avoiding the creaky one smelling the pot of food no one really wanted to eat. The last supper or the first one depending on who you are in this house. I hear Mom in her room getting dressed and hope she won’t come back down tonight.

The phone rings and rings and neither of us pick it up. Outside the window the grass and trees are a deeper green because of the lightning. The storm that makes things grow.

I wonder how long it will be before she packs up the whole house and we move just incase he comes back to find us.

I don’t think it will be long so I go out the back door and let Buster back in the house and don’t care if he rolls around on the couch to get dry. His wet footprints track across the kitchen. The birds are back to singing in the dogwood tree. The sun has come back out falsely shining for a short time before the sun gives up and goes to bed. It’s almost tomorrow everyday at this time.


March 20, 2015

“Eat your dinner.” Mom says not cheerfully but more like a threat, like when she tells me I have to take  shower because she thinks I am filthy.

I push the food around on my plate and push some into my mouth and it tastes like nothing. The dog barks outside as the rain has stopped and he wants to shake off in the house, all over the floor and sneak onto the big chair to roll around. “Stop it Buster.” Mom yells out the back door as she gets up and throws her dishes in the sink. She still stands in the kitchen in her underwear, hair wet and makeup almost all rinsed off. “I’m going upstairs to take a shower, do the dishes bunny.” She walks out the door and disappears into the house but I can hear her footsteps.

I wonder what would happen if I just kept sitting here and did nothing. I go outside pat Buster on the head and wipe my wet dog smelling hand on my pants and go to the shed and pick up all the plate shards. I don’t know if I will have anything left of Dad if I don’t. Careful not to cut my hands because injury would give me away and make her mad, again, I take them inside and run up to my room listening for the shower.

On the floor of my closet is a shoebox I kept after Mom bought me my new school shoes and I throw the broken plate inside along with the dead bee I found last spring that is turning to dust and bottle caps I found in the creek. The shower goes off and I slam the box shut and close the closet door. My heart beating really fast and I feel guilty and am not sure I can hide it on my face.

I walk over to my dresser with the mirror and look at myself. I look like him but just a girl. I don’t look like her. I never will.

“Thank god.” I whisper.


March 18, 2015

Screaming silence, silent sayings, nothing left to say pent-up in their eyes my parents stand in the foyer of the house. Our table is set for dinner, pots bubbling on the stove, smells of tomato and meat frying lingers in the air and my mouth waters as my eyes fill with tears. I am just hungry for dinner and a meal eaten together even if it’s in murderous quiet. The rain outside starts slowly but then coming up quickly it starts to pound on the roof and the windows exacerbating our isolation. Sitting on the stairs watching them look at each other they are so absorbed in this moment they ignore me completely and my father doesn’t let go of his bag packed to leave everything except some underwear and his high school year book behind. He is crazy. He has always been crazy. Sometimes its fun his crazy but usually when I am having fun my mother is scared to death. This isn’t what she bargained for or was raised to do or thought she would be become because the stupid choices we make as teenagers if we hold on to them they follow us forever. Attached to our hems, holding our hands, standing in the shower, waiting in line at the grocery store and laying in bed  next to us. As her mistake I have taken some comfort in that because she has made her self obligated and that feels like love. My fathers crazy feels like love for a minute but then its gone. My mother’s obligation is permanent.

So, I watch them stare at each other both forgetting I am right beside them.

“You should come sit down for dinner. I made dinner. ” She says to him with nothing in her voice. Nothing left but pasta and sauce and the perfunctory plan of eating a meal. He just keeps staring at her never looking at me because he is gone.

He opens the door as she walks into the kitchen sitting down at the table and the rain comes in through the front door and the wind blows it onto my face. I look behind me into the kitchen and see her sitting at the table with her hand on a glass of water immobile, waiting.

He doesn’t wait and walks out to his car, the black fast one that doesn’t have seatbelts but neither of them care if I tumble around when they crash. The car door slams and the rain continues to pound the porch, water rushes into the gutters and down the sidewalk into the driveway. His car starts and she runs out into the rain to the chain link fence that defines the perimeter of our house puts her hand on the gate as lightning and thunder-clap together and she jumps like she was electrified and my dad backs out of the driveway and goes.

My mom runs back into the house breathing hard like she ran a marathon and stops short in front of me, strips off all her clothes but her bra and underwear, “Come to dinner. It’s time to eat. Go sit at the table. “she says with a whisper and crazy eyes.

“Stand up, come on. ” I stand up and follow her into the kitchen. I sit down as she busied her self at the stove. She walks over to my dad’s plate, walks to the back door, opens it and flings the plate into the yard and it shatters against the shed scaring the dog half to death who is sleeping under the porch to get out of the weather.

She sits down and puts cheese on her pasta and hands the bowl to me and she starts to eat, dripping water from her hair all over the table, make up on her face almost washed away. She finishes her plate of food as I watch her and when done she stands up and tells  me to wash the dishes.

I sit there and think maybe he will go to Florida where his “people” are from. Maybe my father will move to Florida if he doesn’t die without a seatbelt. They teach you about that in school.

keep rollin, rollin, rollin hot mama’s, pimp daddy’s

March 3, 2015

My nose is all sneezy and itchy and my allergies are starting to act up so all the snow on the ground is not helping cover up what makes me go AH-CHOO. I imagined living on the planet Hoth would have it’s advantages and no allergies would be one of them but alas, nope.

Spring time means different things to me now that I am a mother of a teenager and preteen. It means soon I will not have the buffer of school between me and the inevitable meltdown I have when my kids argue with me for the 1,398,345 time that they don’t want to 1.take a shower 2.walk the dog 3. empty/fill dishwasher 4. eat any dinner 5. eat any breakfast 6. or do what the other one wants to do…there is more to the list but I just sound like a whiney douche so I will stop at 6.

Spring means my oldest boy, my previous little chicken of a baby indeed does have chin hair, body odor, smelly feet, a girlfriend, zits and aspirations that do not include me or my time. Thankfully his future plans include things I have been whispering to him since he was a baby….grow up, be independent, travel, do something meaningful and it doesn’t have to make you a lot of money, friends are important, love people and have fun.

He is really surly right now so it is hard to tell if he is having fun but it seems likely he should be so I just go with that.

So the irritating transition from winter to spring will spin out slowly and the ground will warm, ice will melt, crocus will start to sprout, birds will sing at the first glimpse of daybreak and our son and daughter will continue to march off, straight ahead into the day.

Black angel would be funny if they didn’t keep dying

February 11, 2015

I thought nursing school would prepare me for my career but nursing is a job learned while doing. Nursing is like someone telling you exactly how a particular jigsaw puzzle should be put together, step by step, best strategies for completion, what to do while laying all the pieces and describing what it will look like when you are done but you are missing 3 pieces and have less than 5 minutes to put it all together. But your puzzle has feelings, friends, family and personal barriers to be putting back together. The puzzle wants to be together but only if it doesn’t have to do anything it doesn’t really want to do. The puzzle wants to be exactly as it was before but it’s missing crucial pieces that are lost forever. And the puzzles friends and family don’t believe you care because you need the puzzle to change and not be the same.

In the middle of the puzzle you realize you really don’t like puzzles.

Motherhood: No longer showroom quality

February 9, 2015

Motherhood for Sale: Good condition, some mileage, could use some body work and paint. Interior stuffing uneven in seat, some cracks on the surface. Drives well but can be slow. Sturdy, rarely breaks down. Its not sexy but it gets you where you need to go. Maybe be covered in vomit and poop stains that will not come out but it has been professionally cleaned. Dents have been cosmetically covered but not repaired. It looked really great before all those people were in it. Not showroom quality but its decent and means well.


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