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Been a long time

August 25, 2014

The first day of school is always so exciting and fun but this year feels a little different. Spawn enters 8th grade this year and despite his armpit hair, deep voice, zits and surly attitude it seems impossible that the uncooked wee chicken I held on the day of his birth is the mostly manly boy who stands before me. There are certain times where the fast forward button seems to be stuck and some sort of special effect is in play to change the small, weird, funny and affectionate little man in to the large, weird, funny and affectionate young man who asks me in too deep a voice if he can have a popsicle.

Our boy’s changes felt like they were never going happen because he grew so dang slowly for the longest dang time. He was always little and at times his littleness stuck out as everyone else shot up and out around him. He is average now which seems enormous. His feet have grown at a phenomenal rate and they have been bigger than mine for over a year now. He is a teenager, officially.

Spawn’s changes keep overshadowing the physical and emotional changes in his sister, 3 years his junior because we expect her to change. Our chica has been a marvel at advanced behavior and growth her entire life and I take it for granted. Luckily for her and for me she is excited by her body changes and giggles about her boobs starting to grow and is fascinated by her older BFF’s body changes and not especially scared of them as I was at her age. I would like to think that it’s because I talk to her about them constantly-hazzard of being a nurse I think-so she feels prepared for what happens. Our girl has more inner turmoil going on and frets constantly about what will happen to her when she dies, what else is out there, what is reality and was is just a dream and how do we know what is real and what matters because we don’t believe in god.

First day of school and all I can really think about is how they are closer and closer to walking away from me into their own grown up lives.

I may have to turn to drugs and alcohol to cope. Or go crazy with longing and love. No one tells you when you sign up for this that you would all the time feel like you are teetering between the urge to push them away and the desire to hold them so tightly.

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