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All grown up

July 19, 2013

You can go home again but it isn’t the same because you are much older, more wrinkly, it hurts more when you walk around there and your feet get all sweaty because that is what happens when you get old. You do become less subconscious about your physical flaws as you get older and give much less a shit about how perky your boobs are or how flat your stomach is. Well, you still worry about it but it’s not actually a problem or holds you back or anything because you are older and think, Who Gives a Fuck? and have learned that it is only you and you alone that give a fuck about your flabby stomach. It is especially okay if you are with someone for a long time who appreciates the fact they still see you naked and could also give a fuck-that helps when you are old. Ice cream also helps as well as liquor which you can imbibe in both as an old person and not get sick from over indulgences. Limits are well-known and you don’t skate around on thin drunky ice wondering if you will be hungover in the morning. You weigh your options and choose to eat all of the ice cream pint because no one gives a fuck about your fat stomach except for you. Maybe that girl who always hated you in high school would be happy your stomach is fat but because you are old you just think, Fuck Her.

Sometimes going home feels great and happy and sometimes the people who were  a pain in the ass dick head are still that way. You use to think it was because they needed to grow up and figure shit out but as it turns out those dick heads are grown up and this is as good as it gets. For them and you. When you are old you realize what it means to be a friend to someone because you see them at their worst, their saddest, their grubbiest, their stupidest and you like them anyway. When you are old you have less tolerance for shallow, withholding, narrow-minded, self-serving dicks because you are old you want to shout at everyone who is a dick GET OFF MY LAWN because you are old and don’t have time for dicks anymore. Sometimes it is because you are raising children who are their own special brand of dick head at times and it makes the grown people who are dicks looks super ridiculous because while children can be amazingly taxing and difficult and make you want to injure someone they have an excuse-they are not old yet and have time to learn not to be a dick. When you are old and other people are old it is just too late to still be a dick and still be friends.

When you are old everything tastes better and is more fun because there is less of everything left. Not only is their less time and less stuff you keep forgetting things because you are old. You are more cautious because you don’t want to be the old person who was doing something a dick would do and break their hip. That would SUCK. Who wants to waste time like that when you are old?

So, be old, don’t waste your time being  a dick, eat all the ice cream, have all the sex with your flabby stomach hanging out, wear your seat belt, floss your teeth, try not to kill your kids before they can grow up because one day, you will need them to wipe your ass when you are really  really old.

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