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Surprise Surprise Surprise

January 30, 2013

I am not really a spiritual person. I am more of we are all on this lonely planet alone and we will die alone in nothingness. Or is this all just in my head? Does reality exist. But imagine all of that with a lot of silliness. Kindness? Compassion? Le sigh.  Mayhap not. I try to be all of those things as it keeps the clanging bell of doom more quiet. 

This is not really going in the cheerful direction I thought it would. This should be all feel-goody and wow, maybe there is something after all and peace, go hug a tree and stuff. 

So I like yoga. I like the quiet breathing, I like the stretching, the challenging my body to be still in discomfort, still in comfort, still and balanced and warm. I like the meditating part and no,, I don’t think about god or what namaste means but I say it. I try to meditate and it doesn’t go well. Its hard to have a still mind. I imagine my thoughts as running over a stream full of pebbles, leaves floating on top and I sit down those thoughts, attempt without judgement or attachment to set them down in those leaves, send them downstream to be thought of later and given more consideration when my mind does not have to be still. 

As I was doing this, sitting in my easy pose, half lotus I started to wander to things I am afraid of, in the abstract, about my kids and my friends sister who had melanoma at like 17 and that their mom had died about 2 yeas ago now and gosh I could not remember her name. I just couldn’t put that thought down, it was irritating I could not think of her name. Damnit. Fuck. Crap. what is her name????????????? I can’t let it go. 

All of a sudden it pops into my head CHRIS! sigh, I breathe in with my nose and out my nose and set it down in my stream and then suddenly there is her face. In my head. Smiling. like she is laughing at me a little. Her hand is held out a little away from her body but she is not reaching toward me. She is smiling, moves her head to the right and closer to me. I gasped, maybe audibly I am not sure and then poof she was gone. 

I instantly felt teary and weird and wondered why Chris was visiting me. Where is my mom, she has been gone for 15 years this December and I haven’t dreamed of her in a really long time. 

Where is my mother, in someone else’s head?

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