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I never promised you a wet tshirt contest

November 12, 2011

Dearly Beloved

We are gathered here together to celebrate the beginning of a life, a life joined by two people who have absolutely no idea how long forever is when you get together at 21. Even though they already have a toaster you should give them cash, even if you weren’t invited to the wedding because the honeymoon in Hawaii will be very expensive when you add in pictures holding parrots and pearl earrings and rental cars and shave ice. Please don’t tell them that they have sex with each other  and probably only each other forever. Until they are dead. Let us rejoice in their gullibility that they will remain carefree to travel, sleep late, wear tight pants effectively and stay slender while eating mostly whatever they want.

And now the couple will address each other, reciting their vows of marriage.

“My husband, I promise to love, cherish and devote my life to you now because I have no idea how time consuming the children will be. I promise to keep my fantasies to myself and to have sex at least 25 times a year. Regrettably I will get a big fat ass but my boobs will get bigger too so beggars can’t be choosers. If you’re sick don’t be a huge pain in the ass or make me sick. Please make a lot of money because vacations are great and I don’t really want to work. Remember always how hot I think it is when you mop the floor and do the laundry and with this ring, I thy wed and pledge thee throth.”

“My darling wife I promise to love, cherish and devote my life to you despite the time the children take away from my needs. I promise to shower at least 4 times  a week and forgive you for asking me if you look fat in those pants. When you are sick I will only expect you to take of the children and I promise to go to bed and not bother you. Although my gut will grow it is only because I enjoy your cooking so much. I promise only to expect to have sex once a day but you can have all the major holidays off except my birthday. Remember that I could have never been pregnant or had children and am so glad you are the mother and with this ring I thy wed and pledge thee my throth.”

Now you may kiss. Forever.

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