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the widening gap

October 31, 2011

A freak winter storm filled with grey skies and sleet and rain tuck me into my house, festering my fetid filth because it’s too cold to take a shower in my drafty Victorian house. Alternately dark and light the newly red falls leaves reluctantly fall to the ground ripped off the limbs that cling to a summer that is swiftly shutting down.


Its not as if I can remember anything specific or concrete. Hell, I can’t even remember what it felt like to hold my children as babies. Their shapes pressed up against me nursing for 6 1/2 years without a break and I can’t recall it all other than some foggy memory that is replace by what their shapes can do now. Their strong bodies, boisterous minds and ever-growing feet. It’s hard to remember that they were little-especially when the Spawn says while watching a movie that demonstrates the military’s intolerance of homosexuals and calls the bigots ” a bunch of douche bags…” He is ten and that kind of talk while highly amusing to me and correct in many ways isn’t well looked upon. Not by others; I love it.


It makes him mine in a way that he is not yours. He affectionate kisses are mind. His obsession with books is mine. His ability to put anything together his fathers. His curly hair belongs to both of us


That girl that use to be small but now can dance around like JLo, has practically no teeth and gestures in the sophisticated manner of an obnoxious teenager at the age of 7 is a small ridiculous person. Just recently I was holding a baby that was 8 months old and she was squishy and adorable. Like an ameba, but adorable. I kept looking at her and remembering that at 8 months our Chica could walk and talk. Full on run. Speak in sentences as though English was not her first language but she could get her point across.


That widening gap between what they use to be and what they are now isn’t as filled in as I thought it would be. There are large spaces of time that I have completely taken for granted.


Times that I have been annoyed, yelled, demanded, scolded, punished and shut them out for hurting my feelings, not doing as they are told or just being an ass.


There are times that they still let me hold them in my arms, kiss their faces and promise me they will always allow me to be that close to them. Without understanding they promise to never close the gap, keep their ever growing arms stretched out across it holding me a little closer.

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