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Of course there is sunshine

October 18, 2011

This weekend would have been the annual trip my mother and I would have taken together to celebrate her birthday. In October 1998 we went to Historic Deerfield to visit the antique homes and the museum filled with the most amazing antiques made in colonial United States. It was warm and sunny and the yellow roses were in bloom and the evening was crisp and lovely. It was always amazing weather the weekend around my mother’s birthday and mid October is the most best gorgeous time of year.

I wish I had known it was her last birthday in 1998 and that it would be the last birthday I ever felt like celebrating in march of that year. I was 27 yeas old, been married for about  a year and change and felt like a real grown up. Almost.

Because we were together for 72 hours straight we completely got on each others nerves. I was a total bitch in the car on the way home. I didn’t even get out of the car at the airport to hug her goodbye. She was coughing the whole night in the bathroom and I just lay there pissed because I wanted to sleep.

Christ I was such a bitch.

All these years that have rolled by and all the questions I have that will never be answered.

Looking at my own children I can not even imagine now what my life would be like, what our life would be like if she had lived past age 52.

I think she would be annoying me. I think she would be meddling. I think she would be insulting. I think she would make me so angry and feel so shitty.

But I know she would love me. I know that she would laugh and find such incredible joy in the children I have made. I know she would be so proud of me finishing school, becoming a nurse and supporting my family. She would praise my marriage and my family. She would love my house and would have liked holidays here.

She would be my mother; in the sunshine of the an autumn day with yellow roses in full bloom.

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