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You can find the beat but you just can’t dance to it

February 8, 2011

It’s too damn cold outside and the gray clouds, relentless wind howl repeatedly that spring will never come. My birthday is at the very end of march as spring comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. This time of year feels like I am in a dark and empty room filled only with the sound of a windup alarm clock ticking louder and sharper with each second that passes making my heart race and pound inside my chest with anticipation.

Before my mother’s death birthdays were never a huge deal to me and I always felt more melancholy about my life and my mother as it really is her day; carrying me for all that time, raising me, teaching me things, lifting me up, failing me, watching me, not watching me, missing me, loving me, hating me secretly. All that time and effort on something that you didn’t really have a choice about.

For most people having a baby is a walk through a one way revolving door that only lets you in.

I feel like I stopped having birthdays when my mother died and want this year to move along quickly, quietly without any attention paid by people who really know me. The birthday is inevitable and will come but the best thing to do is nod and turn your back and wait for it to pass.

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