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For the love of all thats holy, find me some double sided tape

January 20, 2011

I like to plan ahead so for the last two years I have been getting really freaked out that this year I will be 40. That particular birthday is a watershed for most folks and can go either badly or fabulously depending on how much money and time you have to work out and vacation. I mean, Madoona and others have made it almost obnoxiously embarrassing to become 40 and not be looking like you are 25. I keep hearing 40 is the new 30-whatever the fuck that means because as I have said in many other posts I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING TIME MACHINE so for me, sadly, 40 will be, um, well, um-40!

I work a a very famous hospital that is a teaching hospital so it is filled with 25 year old interns fresh from med school graduation in May and POOF! they are almost like MD’s in July. I am old enough to be their mothers. I mean, a little TV movie of the week/after school special kind of -could be their mothers but none the less-I could. I feel old. Most of the RN’s I work with have been in their careers for over 5 years and most are just now entering their 30’s or are in their mid 20’s. I feel so freakin old, all the fucking time. To top it all off, I will actually be old at the end of March.

When my mother turned 40 her best friends threw her a surprise party….it was a funeral. We all dressed in black, they made a fake coffin, we wrote eulogies and they got her really fucked up drunk and on drugs. It was funny and my mom loved it. 12 years later she died which made it kinda weird and funny and awkward.

I don’t want a funeral for my birthday but I might want a puppy. I want less droopy boobs and ass, smoother skin with a more even complexion, leaner legs, thicker fuller hair and a flatter stomach accompanied with the will to abstain from all forms of carbohydrates and a desire to work out all the time when not at work.

But I will settle for some double sided tape, liquor and a good joke because dahlin, I am gonna need to remember to laugh.

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