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September 20, 2010

Impatiently I want to hurry up and get it over with. All of it. To be done, to come to the end.

I haven’t ever been an in the moment kind of gal. I hate the word gal. But maybe for a while, a bit, nursing my babies in those first few weeks all flooded with hormones and chemicals and the sweet intoxicating smell of newborn I was in the moment then. Now. Well, the then now. Not right now.

Right now I am all turmoil and uneasiness. I am too easily frustrated and discouraged. I am not a suck up. I hate a suck up. Yet, I find myself in the position of thinking that sucking up with be the only thing that will set things right. But I don’t care enough really. It goes against everything for me to suck up to anyone.

Yes, rat-a-tat-tat I have this nagging notion tapping my brain that I am unworthy, I suck. I am terrible. i am bad at everything.

My gun has no bullets.

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