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Drowning in air

September 10, 2010

The chest tightness I feel might be sympathetic to my over all condition, my underlying fear that I can not do a job that I have to do. The pressure to do every single thing perfectly and never ever fuck up because that hurts people is oppressive.

When I slung hash on a grill, scowled at wait-trons, flung pots and pans at dishwashers, chopped various food stuffs into various food stuff shapes the only danger I posed was to myself. I burned, scaled, cut, chopped, bumped every bit of my body. I never injured anyone while cooking. I never made anyone sick. I never killed someone with my grub or tools of my trade.

It’s so easy now. I still feel like an idiot and the culture within my profession does not foster and environment for mentorship and skill building. If you ask a question or need help you are weak and incompetent. If you make an error and don’t ask for help or didn’t know you were even making a mistake you are an idiot.

Not only are you responsible for your work and your patients but you also have to know what the doctors are allowed to do and how they have do things. It does not seem the responsibility of the MD’s to know what the RN’s can/should/allowed to do. We are responsible to catch their mistakes, oversights and careless errors. We are required to advocate for our patients between systems of care and cost constantly placed in the middle of medical care and customer service.

The buck stops always with the RN and when I turn my pockets out, I am broke.

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