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been a long time gone

June 16, 2010

It’s stupid to cry in the school auditorium. Fat uncontrollable tears roll down my face, swell in my lashes, making my nose run and my face rumple despite my strong desire to not look like a blithering idiot at school. They are just so big, my children and my heart is too small to hold it all it. That wonder I feel needs to be spread around, it’s not good for you all concentrated like it is in my head and heart. There aren’t other people fighting over who is more proud of them, who they look like. It’s just me, inside my head.

It almost doesn’t seem real that I actually have children without my mother. There was no torch passed, no shared tears of amazement and joy at what I had created out of thin air inside my stomach with a man I had known for a long long time who loved me. There is no satisfaction in my job well done. I can’t look over my shoulder in that instant where you catch your child being spectacularly ordinary and wonderful and look at the person that watched that with me and in a flash I can transport her to the past with me in my plaid dress, sunburned cheeks, white ankle socks with black patent leather maryjanes. Its been 12 years this December since her eyes welled with tears and I pressed my face to hers around the ventilator, holding hands with her closest friends urging her to move on, that it was okay, she could go and not be in pain. I lied and said I was crying because I loved her and I lied and said I would be okay. I lied and said it would be okay but it wasn’t and it’s not. I always wanted more from my mother and feel selfish for not being satisfied by someone who gave me all she could.

So my eyes are all swollen and I feel stupid for crying while the whole 1-5th grade sings that insipid Black Eyed Peas song, waving their arms in the air, clapping and dancing around. Wishing my heart were bigger, that I was better, that I was more grateful, that I could be enough for my children, that I am doing it okay, that I am-okay-without the approval of any parents.

I remind myself that I am not alone because the magical creatures I made out of thin air inside my stomach love me and I can feel it deep inside, even when my heart feels too small to hold it all in. Its been a long time gone, a long time that I have been really on my own and my tears are bitter and shameful and pointless when I have so much.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 17, 2010 12:27 am

    This brought me to tears.

    • June 17, 2010 1:56 am

      have been crying all day. I am wondering if work will be a respite or make it worse. I have two days of it to see. I am exhausted. These last few days with the Spawn and Chica. Chica graduating kindergarten, cutting off all her hair-long and blond down to her butt-donating it to locks of love, stupid silly bandz on her wrists, begging me to wear lipgloss. Spawn so smart and with the most amazing sense of humor whom I can no longer sail double entendres over his head but he isn’t yet too big to sit and my lap and kiss my face and say, he actually said it to me tonight “i don’t need anything else mama, just you.” When I told him I was really missing Jeanne, my mom and tears just spilled down my face he just held me really tight and kissed my cheek over and over.

      It is all just too much. too much love. Too much wonder. Too much that has passed that she hasn’t seen.

      My life feels like such a mess and I desperately wonder what she would say about it.

      Without nostalgia I can assume I would resent it, whatever she had to say. We would inevitably argue about it. But underneath all of it, she loved me and I could feel it. I keep telling myself that its enough.

  2. June 19, 2010 3:59 pm

    She’s living in you and she sees all the amazing things you have done. She’s there watching over you.

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