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the cure for the will to live

December 29, 2009

I don’t know why my ancient wagon is some magnetic force for despair and dread but I am filled with it whenever I drive it. I don’t know if it’s because I mostly drive it to work and work is hard and complicated or because of the cd’s I keep burning with sad forlorn songs? Either way I have done it to myself and it can’t be undone. Any of it.

In recovery and other sorts of psych shit they say that even by not doing something you are still making a choice. The choice to do nothing is still an option to select. Selecting nothing at first feels liberating and correct while it saps your hunger and you lose 4 pounds just like that!-which while your soul is aching your ego is saying “hello flatter stomach and more slender legs” but now what use it is to be thinner and prettier and younger and shiny and happy?

Compulsively I rewind or advance to the song that is the cure for the will to live and it just makes me think about my distant past choices and not my present. Maybe thats the problem…I am always 15 minutes in the future or 15 minutes in the past. What is it that keeps me from living in the present?

As I recently explained to not a super close friend about why my facebook status updates were so sad and morose, “It’s not that I am not grateful for my life and can’t see the good things I have but grateful and happy are not the same thing”.

I wish my life were one of those shooting cowboy games they have on the boardwalk in Ocean City..you get your rifle with the bee-bee’s and PING! you flatten down those pesky varmints with your squinty eye, sure hand and cold heart.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. December 30, 2009 10:42 pm

    Totally relate.

    • December 30, 2009 10:47 pm

      Sorry that you relate. lets get our rifels filled with beebees and shoot down all the tin cans we see.xx

  2. January 17, 2010 9:41 pm

    I think you’re brave to post morose updates on FB. I simply remain silent and post stupid, frivolous things like “Who lost my eyelash curler?” which is code for “Where did I lose my life?”

    • January 17, 2010 11:39 pm

      Shit Eve. I totally bogarted that eyelash curler last week. Your life on the other hand, in your pocket baby, turn em out.
      xx

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