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down down baby

December 11, 2009

Is it just a certain age you get to and poof! it all goes to shit? Or looks like shit? Or feels like shit? Is that what a midlife crisis is? I am searching to fill a void I was unaware of its growth within me. It’s like in that movie Death Becomes Her when the one mean lady shoots the other mean lady with some bazooka cannon type gun and she looks down at her pretty red sweater, mascara running and there is just this giant gaping hole, no blood, just a hole there that you can see through. I am transparent in my efforts and that is mostly pitiful. Pitiful because what do I think will really fill it?

I can find things to fill it but is it right to fill it. Is that what becoming a real adult is…recognizing the hole/s you have and just living with it? Metaphorically you can reference holes to mean other things. Like sex. Like words. Like food. Like fresh air. All those things go into holes in my body and don’t seem to make it all fit together. Ew. I know, TMI, right? Well. Sigh. You are reading my blog so turn it down if it’s too loud.

You kind of find that hitch in your giddy up in your late twenties and feel your feet really on the ground in your thirties and now as I approach my forties it seems like it is just this big abyss that will never be crossed and I just look longingly over the edge. Whats in the middle of it anyway? What seems so elusive? Is it nothing? Is that why all of my thoughts seem so circular and pointless? Or am missing the frigging point?

How many metaphors can I pack into one post? Too many, right?

Alright then. Down, down baby, down by the rollercoaster, sweet sweet baby, no place to go.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. Debbi permalink
    December 12, 2009 2:24 am

    Yep, all of that. You just wrote what’s in my head.

  2. December 12, 2009 4:15 am

    ooh, but look, I added a song. sorry to be also in your head baby. Whistle a happier tune.

  3. December 21, 2009 2:28 am

    is it love? I think that’s what it is for me, empty, lonely and alone

    • December 25, 2009 2:53 pm

      awww. liquor, drugs or a vacation. thats what I reccomend. Love does not exist. sorry.

  4. January 17, 2010 9:40 pm

    Yes, yes… you do get to a certain age and then it all goes to shit. It’s designed that way (I’ve learned), or else we’d go to the grave as unconscious and ego-driven as twentysomethings.

    • January 17, 2010 11:38 pm

      i wouldnt mind being twenty again. I would try to remember to pay attention this time.

  5. Shadow permalink
    January 17, 2010 11:59 pm

    A thought (perhaps more) crossed my mind. Though at my age I can scarcely afford to part with much of my mind you are worth the expense of this very limited and unsophisticated observation…

    Is not shit the bane of your existence?…Your one real aversion?… Is it mere coincidence that life looks, feels like shit to you?

    But the fact is that there will always be shit. There is no escape from it. As living organisms shit both physical and metaphorical is a natural by-product of our having existed at all. The question becomes however, how much and what kind of shit are we willing to tolerate?

    • blahblahblah permalink*
      January 18, 2010 4:23 am

      you are so interesting shadow.

      how old are you?

      Did you mean “You’re one real aversion?” or Are you accusing me of being my own aversion…

      And I tolerate a lot of shit. thats not the issue dude. its whether i want to keep it up or leap into the middle and see what else is there…I am guessing its just more complicated shit.

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