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Fear and loathing is not just a cliche

March 22, 2009

Inside of my head sometimes sounds like that guy, the schister from the music man singing,” Well, either you’re closing your eyes
To a situation you do now wish to acknowledge Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated…” as my ass gets fatter and fatter and fatter. My scale is broken, my stomach is beyond the muffin and no matter how many times anyone says “OH stop, you’re not fat” I stll think it, feel it and know it.

Lately I have been thinking about my eating disorder and longing for the discipline of it all. I only want bits and pieces of it back not the whole kitankaboodle. I don’t want to think about food every single second, although I kind of already do. I don’t want to think badly of myself all the time although I do. Maybe I am just bored and eating out of boredom. I could be clevr and take up crochet again to keep my hands busy. I could smoke more. I could just drink a glass of water everytime I want to eat cookies. I could become a vegan.

There would be lots of tricks I could use but no matter how my rational brain looks at it, sorry to say I have one of those now, its just a trick and it probably wouldn’t stick. So, it all just leaves me feeling weak and silly and selfcentered and pettty.

and fat. Like FAT.

I think if I could figure out why being fat = unhappy with things I would make a million dollars.

My life is too busy to have an eating disorder. We always, because of the kids, have way too much food in the house. I am not sure how I can push away from the table and still engage my children in healthy eating.

Then there is my job which makes me hungrier than anything because all I do all day is walk, walk, walk, walk. But now , as a nurse I do less and less walking. More sitting, more documenting, more writing, more teaching my patients.

So it is just piling on. Despite teaching Pilates again. Despite my intention to eat less and more healthful here my fat ass lies. The Music Man continues to play in my head, ” But just as I say, It takes judgement, brains, and maturity to score…” and I don’t seem to have any of that.

So maybe I am just bored, takign the path of least resistence. ” Friends, the idle brain is the devil’s playground!” says the Music Man in my head.

One Comment leave one →
  1. dmarshall58 permalink
    March 24, 2009 11:59 am

    I hear you. After years of being an athlete, I unaccountably started adding a few pounds and then a few more. No one said I was fat. I just felt fat. My solution was to count calories on one of those record-what-you-eat websites. Since, like you, I was already hyper-conscious of food, I didn’t see how it could hurt. I have to be a little obsessive to keep up with my “food diary”–and part of me loathes the idea still–but I dropped 30 pounds in about six months. You probably don’t want advice, but that’s what worked for me… and I feel better.

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