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Not to get all maudlin on your ass or anything

January 6, 2009

Today I am sick. That stomach churning, heavy belly, butt aching kind of sick. But there has been this nagging thing stowed away, very small, very dense and thickly coated with guilt, sadness, longing and disbelief. Maybe its just because of my mitochondria, you know you inherit that from your mother and its what makes you who you are really, that along with your DNA. It permeates every cell in your body, busy working away so maybe its my mitochondria that aches. Thats sick. Thats unwell.

My actual graduation from nursing school is fast approaching and I shall, MBON willing, be a nurse soon. Its just bizarre how much I am missing my mom. How  I think of her at every turn and that my spirit falls short when I am excited about the future because she isn’t here to share it with. You know I have stared at my cell phone, flipped it open, scrolled through my names to call because of this notion that I have to talk to someone.

I have to talk to her. Thats what it is. I can’t believe I have done this thing without her all this time. There are other happy events in my life that been this important that she also did not share in like the births of both of our children but somehow the instant, stupid, overwhelming love you have for them pales everything else sad in your life by comparison.

So as my mitochondria aches and pines I will carry my body around regardless of its needs and will ignore my gut, clean my house, get ready to put on a dumb ass white dress that cost like $50 and graduate.

With out my mother.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. January 7, 2009 4:43 am

    I think sometimes when I feel similar about my sister, that it’s her… letting me know she see me. Corny huh? Congrats on graduating, not that it’s any consolation.

  2. January 9, 2009 4:33 pm

    I would guess that being a mom amplifies that feeling of loss. I can’t imagine navigating my life without my mom being there…so I’m sorry you have to navigate your life without yours. Congrats on your great accomplishment….bittersweet it may be in this moment.

  3. Tyson Koska permalink
    January 12, 2009 5:40 pm

    Hug.

  4. January 30, 2009 7:20 pm

    Many days I feel the same. Minus the mitochondria :-). But I’m sure I’ve inherited something or the other. I recently wrote a post about my mom as well http://coceyea.wordpress.com/2008/12/24/mother/. Congrats!

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