Some enchanted evening
Water runs under the boat day and night swirling the garbage of the city around our bow and stern as it hides from the trash scow that comes around every other day. My back yard is the glittering harbor full of tourist, addicts, busy city traffic, street lights and expensive food and beer. I get quite addicted to esspresso with a twist of lemon and we pit stop there between the afternoon and evening cruises if I have time while making the next meal.
High on caffine, as that is the only substance random drug testing from the coast guard allows, and sometimes some beer or liquor I still hoist sails, make bread and am in love with the engineer. Andy is 24 and I came to see that as the most wretched age for men that are still single. 3 prior relationships started with partners that age and they all were terrible and unavailable. Maybe its the five year age difference? Maybe it was me. In reality I would like to think it was just them. They were just assholes but as I progress through my life, note I do not say mature, I realize there are many sides to an issue and its never just one thing. Nothing is easy. Well, nothing I do seems easy.
Looking back now I could not even tell you what was special about Andy. When I made friends with people later on the boat who knew him and me separately they could not understand the attraction and told me I could do much better. At the time those disparities were not apparent.
Special he was and magical he seemed as he constantly desired me but didn’t want to actually hang out with me and regretted the fact that we also lived together on a tiny boat. Yes, a 158 foot boat seems tiny when you live on it. With 10 other people. But I had my own cabin and no roommates and he did like that as he had to share the focsal with 7 other guys. There was only one other girl, usually and she did not live on board. Eventually we lost Drew, our first mate to his new bride in Denmark and we got Ginny who was awesome and loved me and I loved her. She was funny, smart and part girl and part cowboy and I admired her greatly for learning to be a captain in an almost exclusively male dominated field of professional sailing. While I was a girl in sailing I was the cook, a common girl-delegated task on boats. Almost none were men.
Sleeping together in my rhombus shaped bed was blissful if I just pretended we would eventually get married and live on someone elses 15 million dollar boat as we sailed around the blue waters of the Caribbean together. I pretended things were perfect a lot. I have always had a good imagination.
One night we go for a walk to smoke and hang out and look at the lights over the harbor up on Federal Hill. His plan, I see unfold before me, is to get me away from the boat, to not cause a scene and to break it to me gently. He explains, fully expecting my complete cooperation and understanding, that his ex-girlfriend from college is coming to visit him and he will be spending some nights with her on the boat and then will take off for a few days and stay at his parents house in Timonium with her but he still likes me and this is just a brief separation and then everything will be just the same.
So shocked I am at his plan I am speechless for just a little bit. He calls me baby and sweetheart and is romantic with his arms around me, gazing at the moonlight while he is asking for my permission to fuck some ex-girlfriend for a week or so right under my nose and awaits my blessing.
I pull away and look at him and tell him that he is insane if he thinks I think this is okay. Its over and he is an ass and this is it. The absolute limit and is he high? She is gonna stay in the first rate cabins with him, the ones with the jacuzzi and then get up in the morning and eat the breakfast I make? Chew my food I slave over while the taste of his dick is still in her mouth?
Seriously? I ask him what exactly did you think I was going to say? Sure, baby. No problem. Fuck away honey. Its no thang. Really?
Okay, okay, okay. I realize NOW that this was a red flag to his general intelligence both emotional and intellectual but at the time there were many issues clouding my brain.
I did tell him its over. Forget it and he better not, under no uncertain terms, bring her onto that boat and I do not want to see her. I live there and will not suffer her at my table or in my kitchen. Keep her at your parents, get more time off and get the fuck away from me.
He is mad but works it out and respects my wishes. He keeps her off the boat. I only see her once as he grins from ear to eat as she greets him on the boat and they walk off, arm in arm to her rental car and his parents empty house.
She is the girl who had orgies with him, that had threesomes regularly and they actually lived together and shared an extra girlfriend for a while. I keep thinking he is off with a prettier version of Annie Sprinkle. How in the world could I compete with that? Yes, I am a bit footloose and fancy free in the sex department myself but my tastes are mostly monogamous and pretty vanilla. I still haven’t been with a girl, not even kissed one yet so my young, tame, sad little life watches the love of mine walk off the dock, onto the street and drive away in a car with basically a porn star.
Andy served many purposes in my life and lucky for me the fresh, well, polluted outdoor air of the City, cleared my brain. Maybe it was all the manual labor? My back was so strong my muscles rippled when I took my shirt off over my head. My legs were sturdy and tan. Building my body left me time to use my brain for longer than 10 minute intervals, while sober.
I was waking up to my young adult life, finding myself in my head to be in mostly the same place I was before I started this whole out of high school thing and that was shocking. I felt worldly and wise but what I was, was green and asleep.
That moment made me wake up and see myself and ask, is this really the movie I want to star in?