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Only the lonely can play

August 13, 2008

I miss my car radio. This is before Cd’s but when cassette tapes were the bomb. I had lots but not one in my car, even when I had my car. I miss driving but the bus has given my white girl past a bit o’shakin up. I ride the bus and listen to girls with long braids and fuchsia lipstick complain about their boyfriends, baby-daddy’s and their manicurist while they make pointed stabs in the air with nails 3 inches long and works of art. I read my paper and attempt to be one of those people who can finish a crossword puzzle. It always seems like a good idea and I remember my Poppy doing them when I was little and he always seemed so smart.

I loved his gold tone pencils he stole from the public golf course he frequented. I use to steal them and feel closer to him if I used it in school. I give up though and can’t finish one and declare that I am just not smart enough. Good thing I didn’t go to college. If I had known how easy and fun college was I would have TOTALLY gone when still single and right out of school. College right out of high school seemed, from the parties I attended, to be like an extension of high school with the same cliques, drama and humiliation just with more money, no curfew and beer.

I ride the bus to downtown at my job where I met a rock and roller named Miyuki who is wiry, smart, funny and super cooler. Cooler than I ever will be. I wait tables, hostess, scrape by and no longer have my bartending gig. I have been contemplating my career in boats but am still too attached to my new apartment. I am no longer a nanny via much drama that includes the dad firing me one morning, no notice and then later that weekend- he kicks his wife and kids and dog Re-Pete out of the house in the pouring rain breaking some shit along the way. So when I am told by the mama that all happens I feel less bad about being fired and more scared of crazy psycho who is also my landlord and has keys to my place.

I work my shitty waiter job, fall for this guy who is totally gay and make an ass of myself, yea I know big shocker, after seeing the movie The Doors when I try to kiss him and he holds up his hand, makes a sour face and says, “Really? um, no.”. It was totally hot.

I am not dating anyone. At all and its boring and I buy too many clothes and am bored without drugs which I gave up one fateful night. Well, most drugs. Well, the most harmful and expensive ones at least. I gain a bit of weight because I got pregnant from some guy raping me while I was tripping and feel just enough of a whore to cover it up with a bit of fat. I get an abortion and my oldest and bestest friend thinks I am horrid and terrible and stops speaking to me. My mom takes me and its horrible. The worst. That guy is successful, a father of 4 girls now and married. I wonder if his wife knows what a fucking bastard heย  is but I am sure I was just a slutty blip on his screen, forgotten and not taken note of. Its on my permanent record but I doubt his consciousness displays even a shadow of an event that changed my life completely.

It all feels like to much to have happened by 19. Too many bad choices, too many bad descions, too many disappointments even though I try to pretend to be a different person with my dyed red hair and new nose piercing. No matter what I do, I turn around and POOF! there is my same life that I keep living.

Geography on the other hand may change things drastically. A change of career something I can make a statement with. Something reckless that can take the place of tearing myself to pieces bit by bit with shallow couplings, altered states of unnatural being and riding the bus.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. August 14, 2008 1:09 am

    I want my mix! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. August 14, 2008 5:48 pm

    You freakin’ rock! OMG! Is all that stuff true? Of course it is! Damn girl, I totally dig your style and your honesty. WOW! Keep it comin’.

  3. Tyson Koska permalink
    August 16, 2008 3:10 pm

    um… seriously… is it true?

  4. August 17, 2008 3:42 am

    “No matter what I do, I turn around and POOF! there is my same life that I keep living.”

    I’ve heard this story of a woman who was tired of her life- mother, wife… so she left her life to have a life of her own. Some time later she found herself involved with a man and his children. She stayed with him. Effectively, entering the life she had left.

    Maybe it’s a book?

    I remember this on those days when I wonder how I ended up with eight kids in the suburbs.

  5. cocoyea permalink
    August 18, 2008 8:14 pm

    You have a way of writing about the most horrid events with humor. This is really powerful.

  6. recreatingmyself permalink
    August 25, 2008 3:16 pm

    I have you in my blogroll because I like to come and read your blog. I do not even know how the blogroll works. I just wrote the links to the blogs I visit.

    Sorry… ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  7. recreatingmyself permalink
    August 25, 2008 11:04 pm

    I definitely agree with Cocoyea, that you have the ability to write about terrible things that happened, but with humor. You write about them as if it was all just normal and life goes on… ๐Ÿ™‚


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