I think it is sneaky when people you are close to, whether you want to be or not, are alternatingly kind and open and then judgemental and weird. Just like Pat Benatar says, “just when you think you’ve got it down, your heart securely tied and bound, they whisper, promises….” I don’t mean it in the sexual context that ole Pat does but the idea that you are vunerable to a certain population of people in your life and in that you leave yourself open to trampling, rudeness, shock, dismay, hurt and anger. All of those things I can do without.
Also, it makes me feel stupid because I get lulled into a false sense of security that occasional friendliness implies. I just should know better. I and I do but my desire to share and be a part of things gets the better of me.
Its pathetic really. I wrote to a friend, a long lost friend actually, that after seeing them I felt funny because the insecure and clingy girl that I use to be is not as familiar as before and seeing them again brought all those things out in me. All those traits that made me seem outgoing and ballsy but really it was a way to beat someone to the punch. To be taller, bigger and badder (ha!) so that the small, meek person I felt inside did not stand out as much. Sort of a Wizard of OZ theory of relationships. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, kind of thing. It worked then. It doesn’t work now because I am aware of it so intensely.
Am I still the same? Who do people perceive me to be and is in congruant with who I think I am?
I sound like an unaired episode of Dr. Phil because it was too boring and stupid.