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What if it happens to me?

April 6, 2008

Pretty much since the moment I got that call from Cape Cod Hospital to tell me my mom had been rushed to Hyannis while driving to see us for christmas I had the fear that my mom would die and what that would mean. I could never imagine my life much beyond my 20’s. I never fantisized about getting married, having children or anything really. I was a moment to moment kind of gal. Although I pride myself on never being a ‘gal’.

Then my mother died in December of 98…just a tad over a year since I married my sweetheart. (I just wrote sweatheart like 5 times in a row.ha) Then I had the maddening desire to procreate much to my husbands confusion and doubt. We did it. Not really successfully but Spawn was fine after all was said and done and then we tried again. Failing miserably. Then again with perfect success.

I have this unnatural fear that something will happen to my children. I have always had irrational panic attacks of doom. Even when babysitting when I was little. This irrational thought would occur..say, like, um, we are standing near the stove and the baby catches fire and dies…shit like that. Crazy, irrational of course, unless I set the baby on fire which was, thankfully, never part of my freak out. It would play over and over in my head until I had to force myself to stop, STOP! thinking about it. Then, sigh and relief, I was fine. They were fine. I have the same irrational thoughts about my children but now it is shifting over to me.

I know that all medical type students go through every disease process they study and are the hypochondriacs of the highest possible order but I happen to have some shit wrong with me and negligible insurance.

I just found out I have unnaturally high cholesterol and very low HDL (the good cholesterol). I had rheumatic fever as a preteen. I tested postive for several individual markers, but did not have the disease, for genetic types of artery disease.

So now I have been studying our cardiac unit and having chest pain and worrying that what I die and leave my children? That has really fucked me up…you know, my mom dying and all. What if I do that to them? What will happen to D? What will happen to Chica and Spawn? I mean, not literally, because I can think of about 5 people off the top of my head who would do a fabulous job of raising them were I to hand them over and I know that D could do it on his own. He would probably move back to Ptown which is sad but that would probably be what would happen.

Just this morning over oatmeal Chica says to me, “Mama, why come you said that if I need your help in the potty at night that you will come help me but you seem so mad when you come in to wipe my butt? Why did you say it was okay if you are mad at me? You eyes look like dis” She scowls to imitate my night time disdain for wiping her ass.

CRUSHING my soul, if I have one.

I would have never had children had I known the fear of leaving them would do this to me. I would have never had them if I knew how fearful it would make me that something might happen to them. I would have never had them if I knew how much I would love them. I would have never had them if I knew how much they would love me.

ps. wordpress has changed my dashboard and I do not have a spell check anymore, well, one that I can find so , well, my spelling sucks. Extra points to those that don’t point it out. I shall not find a dictionary to blog. blah.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. April 6, 2008 6:01 pm

    You know….wow….there are many times at night just before I drift off to sleep when out of nowhere I imagine one of them being taken from my home. Our home buring down and me unable to get to them…or having to choose between them and then watching the other burn to death. Seeing them hit by a car and being helpless to stop it….

    I have to go upstairs and check them (well check Sophie anyway because Henry will wake if you even fart loud enough) to assure myself they are safe, and sleeping soundly and that the insane part of my mind has taken over for a brief period while I slip from conscious to unconscious.

    We spent a lot of time, money and energy building our family and my only regret will be leaving them when it is my time.

  2. April 7, 2008 3:50 pm

    About two weeks ago, I dreamed that The Boy was swept up by a tornado I’d been admiring. I saw the whole thing through a picture window, saw his attempts at escape and his terrified face. And by the time I got to him, he wasn’t breathing, and I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. When I woke up, like two seconds later, I raced to his room and stroked his face. My sweet, breathing boy.

    The thought of anything happening to either of them . . . God. And yeah, sure, I worry about Thom and me, too, because I can’t imagine the sadness they’d feel if we were to leave them this early. Thom’s heart attack, as well as his parents’ and my mother’s death, certainly drove home the whole mortality thing. Jesus. I try not to think about how fragile we all are; if I do, it makes me crazy.

    Stay healthy, lady.

  3. donna permalink
    April 7, 2008 9:26 pm

    I know many moms that have the same fear about their children. I don’t generally have thoughts about E getting hurt or dying but I have always felt I would die young. I can’t really see myself far into the future. (I’ll blaim that on my recent lack of ambition.) And oddly, Eric has said to me a few times “I don’t want you to die mom….or I want you to live to 1,000.” A bit unlikely, but I understood the sentiment.

    I’ll second Laura, stay healthy all of you! How about we actually do some laps at that pool this summer…anyone?…anyone???

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