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Squirrely determination

April 5, 2008

Those dag squirrels rush around my campus and across my street their fat little arms looking juicy and plump and making me think of BBQ sauce if I lived in a Hollar’. I see little holes of “SHIT! I KNOW I STASHED THAT THERE!” and “FUCK, I AM SO HUNGRY….THAT FAT BASTARD NEXT DOOR MUST HAVE TAKEN IT.” dug into the freshly laid mulch.

The sun is shining and I am collecting baseballs from the front yard. We have one squirrel, who may need to enter the witness protection program soon, who has made up their mind to eat all of our freakin birdseed from our feeder. Last year not one squirrel really bothered it. This year is another story. We chuck baseballs at the tree limbs he stands on hoping he would go away. He is a city squirrel and apparently not that afraid of baseballs thrown with the accuracy of a two year old.

I feel brilliant suddenly McGuyvering a slick metal cable that the feeder can hang from. We assemble it and the children and I watch delighted as he trys to dangle and swing to get at the food. Pissed, he sits in the tree taill swirling around in a vicious circle yelling at us.

This morning I am awoken, sadly for many reasons–first and foremost–I WAS FUCKING SLEEPING!, to be told that the squirrel has figured it out.

Fucker. That BBQ sauce is sounding better and better. We are pretty broke, so it would be like a survivial tool, right?

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. joefelso permalink
    April 5, 2008 3:28 pm

    In my suburban life, we used to have trouble with DEER eating birdseed. It was absurd to look out the back window to see a deer, legs splayed wide to get low enough to set its tongue to the opening.

    Most of the seed spilled onto the ground where it was eaten by… the squirrels. So we didn’t have to worry about squirrel thievery anymore.

    The birds were the only ones who didn’t get a share.

  2. April 5, 2008 5:42 pm

    I’d better not let you come visit us then….we are squirrel haven. I’ve even taken to filling up our bird bath with squirrel and critter (yes, it actually says critter) food to keep them off the fucking birdfeeder which is now just about broken.

    Sophie was trying to assure me that we did not eat squirrel because they lived in trees and had fluffy tails….but I’m on your side….I’m not too sure they are on the endangered suburban species list.

  3. April 5, 2008 10:06 pm

    I just got back from studying at school, where I saw a squirrel whose tail had somehow been stripped of its brushiness. I had to look hard to make sure it was a squirrel and not a rat – with the thin tail, it was really hard to tell. Yuckity yuck yuck yuck.

  4. gino permalink
    April 6, 2008 1:00 am

    http://www.rollerfeeder.com/howitworks.htm

    Maybe you could try this one out?

    I ain’t agin shootin no squirrel. Afterall, taste jus like chikin’…

    Actually, I’m agin shootin anything, but these bastards need to be stopped!

  5. April 6, 2008 2:56 am

    http://www.drollyankees.com/#

    Check out the Droll Yankee Flipper video.
    Equally good are the Yankee Tipper, the Yankee Dipper and the Yankee Whipper. Lots of birdfeeders on the same concept. I have about five and it’s funnier watching the frustrated squirrels than watching the birds. They are relentlessly pathetic.

  6. April 6, 2008 5:30 am

    I’m always afraid that I’m going to cause an accident as I brake or swerve to avoid hitting the little twirps running across the road. Yeesh!

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