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Cold and sparkly

December 15, 2007

Cold enough to snow although it does not. Black purple night sky and my breath is like smoke. Christmas songs play gayly on the radio and the minions sing along peeping and mumbling the words they don’t know and shouting the ones they do. The car hums along and we are on our way home. Together. We are alive and together. I am not living in fear of anything real. I do not worry about wounds and bruises that look guilty and telling. I think of all the things I am missing this year as I watch the blow up Santa’s and lit up reindeer on roofs fly by my window that keeps me warm from the winter wind. People are cheerful and wish me a happy holiday. I wish them back and include peace to you this year. I am wondering how this all works. Where does it all fit in? How does the longing and shock fit into ho ho ho? Do I place it side by side? One in front of the other?

I slow down and make the left turn only light I never make. Speed bump and shrieks of look! more lights and we are home. Chica sings We Wish You a Merry Christmas and hops up to the door that Spawn holds open so I can get the key in.
“Look,” shouts Spawn, “Our tree is so beautiful and you can see it from the street. Do you think people can see the birds on it from there? Your tree is the prettiest mama and so big. Those birds are so beautiful and they have real feathers too. Birds fly with their feathers you know.”

If I were a bird, I would fly far, far, far away from here. Wishing we all had wings.

Sarah McLachlan – Blackbird (Afterglow Live)

2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 16, 2007 4:06 am

    All I can say is: you’re experiencing depression, as if you didn’t know. And that there is suffering everywhere. And that right where you are is so beautiful with your children and their delight over Christmas. And I’m blabbering and want to thank you for introducing me to Sarah McLaughlin. Her voice is stunning and I have always loved that song and just wish I could say comforting things but nothing I say will change the way you feel now. But I wish that were not so.

  2. December 16, 2007 9:02 pm

    cole: in totem language, the blackbird teaches you how to acknowledge your power and use it to its fullest.
    And so yes, all in due time, but “blackbird, fly.”

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