As it wears away
Little by little my life is creeping back in and pounding on my head demanding to open up and be let back in. It was safer and easier to be in shock and disbelief. How do you believe something like this has happened? How do you begin to catalog this in your brain, your memories, the things that you know.
I know how to set up an IV piggyback, make pancakes from scratch, dye my hair, where to tickle my children to make them mad with laughter, what beer tastes like in Holland, that I love D, my house is drafty, my cat is a pain in the ass, the older I get the more I look like my mom, I know how to snorkel, I can tie a sheet and make it fast, ice skate and my list goes on and on.
But I also know how 3 children died at the hands of their father, their daddy and watched as their mother was murdered. How do I put that into my head? Where does it fit? It is a pale and heavy thought opaque because it is so hard to believe. The reality of what has happened to my friend and her family is slowly sinking in but how I begin to accept it as part of my own history I still don’t know.
Everything that we do, from the mundane to the magnificent, becomes a part of who were are. Each act, each moment inching us farther and closer to who we might become. There is always the push/pull of one step forward and two steps back as we learn how to benefit from our new knowledge. As babies we learn what things hurt us and what things do not. As young children we learn when to speak and when to be quiet. We find our way and learn where we can fit in with our family. With our friends.
I imagine the end of your life, at that very moment, your choices become crystal and translucent and you see how it all fit together.
I don’t believe that happened for those children. I believe that they must have realized in those long minutes as they each waited out their horror that their world was nothing like they thought. The people there on earth to love and protect them could not and did not.
I don’t think I will ever be able to forget or tuck away somewhere neatly those last moments for my friend and her children. It makes me disbelieve in the one thing I do believe in…people.
How can a person, a PERSON, do what he did? How can someone be so selfish and evil to do that to someone they loved? A stranger affords some distance and ease in not knowing what you are taking away. He held them as babies, played with them, was their daddy and then in their last moments showed them everything they ever believed was a lie.