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When mama’s away…

December 7, 2007

Earlier this week I came in tired from school and was greeted by Chica-Poo holding one of my vintage pink wine cordial glasses filled with water and proclaimed, “We are having a wine party, me and Daddy…”

Then today I came home from clinical and I see Chica attached at the waist by some sort of strap and she is crawling around as her Dad leads her by the leash and she tells me, “I am a doggie being walked. Arrff. arrff. Roawlff. woof.”

My ordinary life keeps creeping back in whether I want it to or not.

Today would have been his 13th birthday. I will never be able to rid myself of the images of them being killed. Slaughtered. Why not just take your own life? How could he possibly have done this? How. how. how. why. why. why.

There can be no god. No god that would allow that to happen to children. none. none. none.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. December 7, 2007 11:13 pm

    I can’t address the notion of God and faith with you right now. I wonder, though, how your views might have changed recently. People’s children have been taken since the dawn of time. It is horrendous every time. Every single time. But, humans do this to one another. And I think the greater question amid all of this is: Why?

  2. December 7, 2007 11:19 pm

    I find myself thinking about this family and this man, frequently and wondering the same thing- with some distance. I kept thinking if he was out to punish his ex-wife, he would have left her alive. And how somehow that would be more awful… Trying to reason out the whys… It’s our nature, or at least mine, to figure out the reason.

    And then I was talking to a friend last night. We talked about this family- the horror… She reflected for a bit and came back to me later.

    She has just gotten through a nasty divorce. Is still dealing with the ex etc.

    In the beginning, she was devastated, depressed almost beyond repair…She told me that when she was in her deepest pit she could imagine, maybe, where this man might have been coming from. She, too, saw no way out for a while and contemplated taking her own life as a way out, as the only answer. The only solution to her trouble.

    I know the stories are different.

    But, it made me think about the power of the brain, denial, depression, anger- the places it takes us that we feel we have no control over. How difficult it is when we are trapped in those places- to get out, to reach out, to see another way, find another solution…

    It’s okay for you to go on- to find the joy, to laugh… and remember.

  3. December 7, 2007 11:48 pm

    I came over via TIV’s place. Of course there are no good words, your anger is justified, and you need to deal with the notion of God and faith in whatever way you are equipped to do so at the moment. I guess the best thing I have to say, is that yeah, life is really crappy sometimes. Things happen that are abhorrent, even to children. But if you lose sight completely of the good, you will miss out on the good things you have right there with you.

    Mourn. Be pissed off. Do whatever necessary to help you through this. But don’t let go of the good you have in your life.

    I hope that helps some, and if not feel free to tell me to go to hell. I will not be offended either way.

  4. gina permalink
    December 8, 2007 12:51 am

    i love you cole, and all i can really say is that i am so sorry and i am thinking about you and them every, every day.

  5. December 8, 2007 1:10 am

    This is a question for the ages, Cole. Children have always died, much more often in fact than they do today. Infanticide has been prevalent in some societies. I had an epiphany, last spring, sitting in a museum in front of a beautiful Madonna and Child. I realized that this most basic symbol of Christianity is about losing a child. I wondered about that, being Jewish and all. What a powerful and yet paradoxical symbol.

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