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There is this and then there is that

December 4, 2007

I am happy mama at home. I run. I play. I say sure honey. I say I love you sweetie. I say you are so funny babe. I tuck them in. Fix them a snack. I kiss my husband. I talk to him about work. I talk a bit about school. I change my  clothes. I fix my hair. Our fish dies. We shop for food. I eat some. I wash my face. I brush my teeth. I kiss my children. I say goodnight.

And then there is this unhappy anger I am keeping to myself. I show some of my friends. Well, inflict it on them. I am not happy about anything. I think life is really just shit and horrible and that my faith in mankind was hanging by a thread and now it is severed. For good.

Everyone’s problems seem so stupid. I want to yell, YOU LOST YOUR WALLET? My friends lost their lives in horror and fright. I don’t. It would be mean. Unnecessary. But everything feels unnecessary.

I wish I had never known. I wish I never knew this thing that has changed my life forever.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. December 4, 2007 5:47 pm

    Have faith, pray, it was gods plan… don’t you love those helpful suggestions?

    I’m sure they’ll help.

    I’m sure you’ve thought about volunteering at the d.v. house/hotline. Could that help? Your friend would appreciate it (not that it will do her or her children any good, I know).

  2. December 4, 2007 6:31 pm

    I spent most of my life wishing I didn’t know about the Holocaust that my parents went through. Wishing I lived on a different planet. You are two things: Grieving +Traumatized = Complicated Grief. Life will taste like sawdust for awhile. Just stay in the moment. Breathe in the smell of your children. And you are right, daily aggravations are inconsequential compared to this. What worries me most about you is that a traumatic loss like this will also trigger unresolved grief over other losses, and I know you have had many. So expect to not recognize yourself for awhile and find a kind therapist to talk to. You deserve it.

  3. December 6, 2007 6:21 pm

    I don’t mean to be mean but I hate to think that “God’s plan” was for this family and their friends to suffer the way they did. Personally I think God turns his back sometimes and what the lesson is in that, well, I guess I’ll figure that out once I’m gone.

    I wish you had never experienced this tragic, horrific loss in your life. I wish you were able to turn back the clock and change what happened. But it sucks, big time, because you can’t. It is life. Unfair life…but we all know what they say about that.

    Hang strong my friend. You have those around you who can help you through this transition but as I told you before, the lens through which you live life is forever altered. There is no changing that…but I hope with time the anger will fade. Perhaps not towards everyone or everything but enough so you can live your life close to as you once did.

    I’m hurting for you my friend…

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