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Carrying a murderer around in my car

November 25, 2007

Traffic is thick and I hate driving on the beltway. Half listening to the radio and half seeing their faces in the pictures I just sorted. I sorted through someone’s life. Every happy moment captured. People I don’t know. One person I wish I didn’t know. We edit the monster out of the pictures to make going through them less of a shock. Pictures of them in tub. Pictures in halloween costumes. Pictures crying on Santa’s lap. Soccer teams. School. Work friends. Family. Holidays. Not looking at his face but quickly throwing it in the big black trash bag. Seeing her face so beautiful and lovely. Playing in the snow. Rolling around with them. Holding her nieces and nephews. Smiling. Always smiling.

I take the wicked filled bag home with me to throw it away. To take it far from them so they don’t have a chance of seeing anything. They can close their eyes and see his face easily. They knew him for almost 15 years. A face they saw at family parties. They bought him gifts. He ate their dinners.

He has destroyed all their lives. Destroyed in selfishness and horror and hate and blackness.

My old volvo runs along the road sluggishly and I am in a hurry to get home. To nuzzle their necks and smell my children’s breath. To feel their lips on my face. Touch their hair. Hold them and kiss them silly. I see the family I lost in my mind and replay the pictures, replay their lives. Inmate family moments. Mundane silliness. Those moments only important to a parent. I feel like I am intruding as I sorted and edited. I want to protect my friends. Protect them from further harm.

I wish I could edit their memories. I wish I could hypnotize them and wipe clean their longing and sorrow.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. November 26, 2007 7:14 am

    “I wish I could hypnotize them and wipe clean their longing and sorrow.”

    And yours ,Cole, and yours.

    Hard to imagine life carrying on all around you. Keep going…

    I’ll give mine an extra nuzzle, too. Even Mia.

    Thinking of you.

  2. November 26, 2007 6:13 pm

    Chilling, Cole. You are in shock. I’m so sad for you. I know what it’s like. Sudden horror. I wish I could be there to help.

  3. November 26, 2007 8:23 pm

    I want you to know that I know what this feels like. It struck my own family some years ago. You haven’t lived until your life in tangent is a court tv docudrama. Seriously, hugs. I get it sister.

  4. November 27, 2007 5:13 am

    I’m so sorry, Cole…so very, very sorry…

  5. November 28, 2007 6:51 pm

    So sorry…words cannot do justice to the sorrow you are feeling. Snuggle those little ones close…

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