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It is just like dental surgery

October 23, 2007

Today during my clinical orientation we were given a tour by our two instructors. The instructor for Labor and Delivery answered one of my classmates questions regarding how many women have “natural birth” (She meant medicated/unmedicated because if it comes out of your vagina…IT IS NATURAL. Whether you have meds or not. grrr.)

My instructor replies, wrinkling her nose, “No. Well, they start off wanting to go natural but then they hit six centimeters and they crack. Sometimes husbands are a problem because they keep saying “Oh you can do it honey!” and you can just tell the mother wants it. She is cracked. I mean, I am not against epidurals in any way because gosh, you go to the dentist to get a root canal you aren’t like “Whoo, I got my root canal without medication!” NO, you are not. So why should you be in pain during labor? It is just silly. You are happy as a clam. And in the end, it is the prize you want. The baby. The miracle. It  doesn’t matter how it gets there.”

So, ladies, just so you know, giving birth is exactly the same as getting a root canal.

fuckingmoronidiotfuckingassholehealthcareproviderisgoingtokillmeandthisisreally GONNA SUCK.

OH. Also we were shown the IV pump and fetal monitoring belts already laid out on the bed. I ask if EVERYONE gets this and she looks at me horrified and says well, “YES. How else are we supposed to get those heart beats. You may be off it for a while but it goes on every hour for 15 minutes at least. You don’t want to get behind the 8ball , then it is too late. IV access is so important because you need to give them fluids because they can’t do anything…they are in labor.” looking at me like I asked her if I could fist her later while I raped her cat.

I. am. going. to. die. seriously. kill. me. now.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. caroline permalink
    October 24, 2007 1:45 am

    How disappointing, to say the least.
    Dumb dumb logic.

    Hang in there gal.

  2. October 24, 2007 2:32 am

    Fact: I always go natural at the dentist.
    Another fact: Same thing with the proctologist. Had a colonoscopy with only 2 aspirin and a glass of white wine.
    Future fact: I will only bite down on chopsticks when I have my vasectomy which will coincide with my Scrotum Reduction Surgery (it’s a real thing – google it!)

  3. October 24, 2007 2:24 pm

    It’s good to know how they’re teaching labor and delivery in the hospitals these days. Ugh!

    I started out in the hospital with my first baby, and she nearly died due to the medicalization of the entire labor and delivery process. I learned this only after a year.

    Next child, also born in a hospital, came quickly at the end and a nurse actually told me “hold your knees together and wait for the doctor.” I’m not kidding.

    Next birth was entirely at home with midwives, grandparents, friends. It was glorious.

    By my last births (twins) I was a goddess. My dear friend, a childbirth instructor and former LLL leader, was so awesome; she reminded me, “You are one with every woman who has ever given birth or is giving birth now,” so ridiculously new-agey and silly, but damned if I didn’t know she was right. I felt the power of total goddessness (that’s a word, right?), and I wouldn’t deny that to any woman brave enough to have it.

    Plus, what about the baby? These silly women who just want demerol or want the epidural, don’t they read the research? Every few years we discover something else dangerous to pregnancy, childbirth, or babies and toddlers (such as the recent withdrawal of infant and toddler cold medicines such as Dimetapp from the market). I remember the day, when my first-born daughter was a toddler, when treating an ear infection with antibiotics and Dimetapp was a given. Now we are told not to do that. See how it goes?

    Anyway, it’s too bad that we don’t have women teaching other women how to be more confident in themselves and their bodies, and moving them under the thumb of medicine, which is practiced by fallible human beings and not always as science based as we think it is.

    Keep writing, sister.

    Oh… and isn’t it clear by how how badly we want to avoid pain and suffering at any cost?

  4. October 26, 2007 1:37 am

    You rape cats?

  5. August 22, 2010 12:27 am

    wofhlsdaswlagfxbtady, Watch Dinner for Schmucks Online, cnveoip.

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