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Starting a new trend: Look! All new!

October 3, 2007

cheerful music, nondescript muzak type pop tunes play out as the screen fades from light blue to dark black from a pinpoint as the hole widens to show to mother types sitting on a couch. The room is strewn with toys, crumbs, clean and dirty laundry, books, dishes, socks and random bits of kitchen equipment. The mothers are drawn tired and have dark circles under there eyes. There are greasy kid sized palm stains on their pants and their clothes look like they were worn yesterday because they were. They are about 5 months overdue for a hair cut and one has on lipgloss but forgot to brush her teeth. The other one did brush her teeth but had to use Strawberry Shortcake flavor because she is out of the regular adult toothpaste. She has on 2 day old mascara. Both of them are wearing their children’s socks because none of theirs are clean.

They smile wanly at the camera, glance at each other painfully and say to the audience:

“We are mothers. Yes. It is true and we want to speak out for all mothers across the world. It is our mission to bring hope and light into every woman’s life. A life line of understanding. Won’t you join us in our campaign to make hating your children okay? We realize it is the love that gets us through but sometimes that isn’t enough. Call this 800 number and you can pledge $3 dollars that can go toward a helpline that will provide comfort, a mini-bottle of liquor and this black wrist band to remind a mother in need of the fact that IT IS OKAY TO HATE YOUR KIDS. Printed right on your bracelet are those inspiring words. Pledge now and receive your bracelet and booze.”

….the other mother nods her head in agreement and turns to the camera and says,

“Yes. Come forward. We know you want to. We have been there. Underneath our nice pants and home permed hair we are all desperate. You don’t have to pretend that every time your baby farts it is the second coming of Christ. You can loath their voices and feel desperate to change you name so you don’t have to hear MOM! one more time. Act now and pledge an additional $2 and receive our “Can’t have sex tonight, honey” kit. It is full of ideas on convenient easy to read cards that will help you to avoid unwanted romance on those nights that you would so rather sleep than think about anyone elses private parts. It is disguised in a discrete tampon box so you can leave it out in plan sight, within easy reach, without fear that your partner will discover your little secret. As a bonus, this kit will also come with a seven day trial of Ambien at no extra cost. Get some rest. You deserve it.”

…..they both smile weakly, barely having the energy to continue as you hear a shrill scream in the background, “MOM! SHE IS TOUCHING MY THINGS AGAIN. I AM THIRSTY. I AM HUNGRY. MOM……………”

The women look pained and look up at the camera again,

“Won’t you join us now? Wear your black wrist band with pride. You can hate your children. You don’t need permission and you are not alone. Have a drink. Get a good-nights sleep. Wear some clean pants. It is okay to want to abandon them. We are here. Join the mothers of the world in admitting your hatred. The time has come for mothers to unite!”

Fade out as the mothers pass out on the couch and their eyes close trying to nap for 25 seconds before their break is over…..pinpoint fade to white! Cue muzak…….

7 Comments leave one →
  1. October 3, 2007 3:06 pm

    “Women Who Eat Their Children Anonymous”???
    This is too funny and sooo close to the truth! I’m printing it out for Glasgow Girl, my daughter-in-law. She will love it! šŸ˜€ G

  2. October 3, 2007 6:23 pm

    that is too funny. Thank you for making me laugh and I want to know where I can get my bracelet, I have enough booze.

  3. October 3, 2007 8:21 pm

    Was just saying today that I was ready to turn in my mother card- Yeesh!

    What I wouldn’t give for a slow dinner, good food (enough fucking spaghetti already!- see I said fucking!), maybe a massage, and then some reconnecting with the wife- read SEX-

    But instead I have mr. attachment pushing away hard, ms. needy crying every two minutes, mr. negative complaining or whining every thirty seconds…and don’t forget the other five, no sex in like… I don’t know, maybe two, three months, a school fund raiser dinner thing tonight, and oh yeah, my mother comes into town tonight (and the house still isn’t clean). And I can’t even really drink, because I always seem to end up sick anymore…WTF?

    Thanks, that felt good.

  4. October 3, 2007 8:24 pm

    You know, how come the comment time says 8:21 PM? In my corner of the world it’s 1:21 pm- shouldn’t it be 4:21 your time?

  5. October 4, 2007 2:39 am

    Funny…a bloggy friend refered me over here because I was having a bad day…thanks to you and thanks to my friend (Deb) too.

  6. October 4, 2007 5:49 am

    Ah…yesss! Mothers’ Lib sounds like a better option than locking yourself in the bathroom so you can squeeze the life out of a bathtowel instead of throttling the darling(s) you were (supposedly) genetically programmed to love seflessly every single second of your life. And, after wringing the towel till your arms hurt, going to sit with the other mommies at the park, pretending to be soooo impressed by said darling(s) zillionth failed attempt at a headstand in the sand lot. Been there. Survived, sort of. So did the kid (also, sort of). Can I get an honorary black wrist band? The one labelled: “I survived Motherhood and so did my kid (sort of)”.

  7. October 6, 2007 3:08 am

    i’m with deb. let me know where to get my bracelet.

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