Caroline on my mind
I have this impossibly tall, beautiful, smart and kind friend and she is one of those people I always feel so dorky around. Not any fault of hers…I am sure it is my inner Napolean coming out. I always wanted to be tall. I have always been short. She is an actress and while I have never seen her in anything she has done I am so intrigued by her talent. She reads my blog and this why I have been thinking so much about her and this not so anonymous blahblahblahing I do here. Some things if I want to talk about them are hung out to dry like my panties with monthly stains hanging on our clothes line. Something I am embarrassed by but everyone has it so…why should I be so uptight? I digress. I am procrastinating really.
Having children, attending this certain preschool has opened up a whole world of parents I would never have met. I tried for many years to find friends via LLL but no one really seemed to be like me enough that I would want them over for dinner and hang out all time like I do with many of my friends now. We belong to a local pool, as I have said before and most of us all go there and spend much of the summer in the shallow end trying not to get splashed in the face and yelling at our kids to either get in the pool and stop running around or to get out because they are blue.
Caroline is a good friend now and I had wanted to get to know her for a while. Last year, just about this weekend, I talked with her for the first time. It is our anniversary of sorts. I had been hearing about this Caroline woman from my new friend Laura and my neighbor/new friend Sherrie. She seemed to be the lynch pin in the women I knew. Like 6 degrees of Caroline. All my friends knew her via numerous ways and now so did I.
What I remember about her is that when I met her I had just come to the party with Chica and we were late. We were late because Chica had been napping and if she hadn’t napped that day I would have murdered her. I think when I approached my friends and this new tall pretty woman I said something like, “Gee, if she hadn’t napped I would have used duct tape and stuck her to her bed because it was for her safety that she sleep and be away.from. me.” I remember not thinking of saying something so mean about my daughter in front of a stranger but she turned to me and said, “Gosh, it is so nice to hear a parent say something real. Something we all think and feel.” I felt so embarrassed and thought maybe for a second she was putting me on. Setting me up to slam me as a parent. But no. She was for real just relating to the frustration we all feel as parents and sometimes it hits this point where KABAM! You feel alittle like Jeffery Dalmer and start thinking of ways to cook and eat your children because, hey…you can always make more. They are small. No one will notice.
Again, I digress.
So Caroline is this impossibly tall, lovely and nice woman. And she told me today that she likes my writing. It is impossible for me to be polite and be gracious when someone compliments me. It is painful and awkward and I feel like I want to shout HAHAHHAHAHHAHA. yea right. But that is rude so I usually say something self-deprecating like what I did today. I called myself a dork. Which is rude to the person who is saying something nice. It is like saying that what they feel is stupid just because you feel stupid. Which isn’t fair.
Stupidly I feel all teary as I write this which is just pissing me off because I hate to cry. Really, I hate it. I don’t find anything satisfying in it and rarely do it. But now, for some reason recalling this impossibly lovely tall friends kind words makes me feel all stupid. Unworthy. I don’t know who taught me that or why but I hate that about myself. It is almost painful for me when someone tells me something nice or pays me a compliment. Which is completely crazy because I am this over-achieving try to nice and generous loud mouth kook who wants everyone to like her but is certain that no one does.
Should I be concerned I am referring to myself in the third person?
But , yeck. I feel rude but also compelled to shoot down anything nice about me as luck, wrong, a misjudgment, hearsay or a plain fallacy. I can’t ever just say thanks and feel okay with that. And I like and respect this woman a lot. So I don’t want to disrespect her by saying that I am dork and she by way of liking my blog is a dork because I am dork. blahblahblah.
So, Caroline and pretty much everyone else who has ever said anything nice to me and I have been a rude disagreeable prat,