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I am missing it all

August 30, 2007

Now that school is in full swing I find myself realizing how little time I have with my kids when I am in school. Poor little Chica is so lonely missing her brother and wanting so much to be a big girl and go to school and has been asking every morning if today is the day. Sadly it is not and she must wait for another week or so for her preschool to begin.  She is trying very hard to learn her letters and numbers and is doing remarkably well considering that we rarely read to her in the way we did with Spawn. My crunch on time will destine her for the short bus I am fearful.

She has recently discovered the joy of brushing her hair. She does it all the time. She tries to brush her brothers hair but NO one shall have that privilege. Spawn likes his dreaded crazy stickie-upie hair and it makes him look sort of punk rock. And Iike that. She changes her clothes literally I am NOT exaggerating like 3 times before 9 am. We have taken to locking her bedroom door so she can’t raid her closet and make a mess. If Spawn had been bored, which I rarely think he ever was as a bitty kid, he would torture me until I played with him. She just brushes her hair, stares into the mirror at herself while doing yoga/ballet/ninja style moves singing the punk rock Moldy Peaches version of Little Bunny Foo-Foo.

I miss her little face when I am gone. I have these 5 glorious weeks with her and to be at home and hang out and to go on our first family vacation (which I swear I have cool pictures to share but I have LOST my camera. In the house. POOF! shit) and to just be together. We went to the pool. We ate lunch. We went out. We laid on the couch in sweaty piles reading. We played dress up together. We sewed and made some costumes. We had parties with friends and it was grand.

I am missing it all now with her. The last of her babyhood has really just slipped right out from under the door and I want it back. I know a lot of women start to feel like they want another baby because their baby is growing up. I don’t want another. I want her again. And Spawn again. I want to do it over. Do it correctly.

Now I feel like I am just playing catch up and I can never get it back. Did I savor the moments or am I just waiting for the next thing?

In the car tonight coming home from school shoe shopping for Spawn Chica was having a very hard time of it. She lost in the store and was a maniac hiding under the clothes, screaming and complaining that she didn’t get to try on EVERY shoe in the store and how it isn’t fair and then as her Dad took her out to the car while I stood in line she actually hit him and when I questioned her about it when I returned with her brother she said, “Well, he didn’t let me and you didn’t either so I did hit him because it was bad what you did!” crying with giant tears and a red squishy face. She screamed some more and then really began to wail when we discovered that with Spawn’s new shoes came a tiny key chain blue flashlight. He was so excited but this made her head explode. I asked her several times if she was mad and she said yes and I said it was okay to be mad and I was sorry she was so upset. She asked her brother, “Ten I have a turn to hold your fwashwight?” sniffle, gulp, sniffle. And Spawn turns to her gently and says “Sure you can Sister and you can even push the button to make it light up.” and hands it to her. I praise his sharing and kindness and encourage Chica to say thank you which she does, smiling and then when her brother asks very gently for it back she does easily but with some sadness and no crying.

I am relived that we have had some positive influence on at least one of them. Is it a false and evil hope that the good we did for Spawn will rub off on Chica because her brother is so great with her? Or is that cheating?

While Chica gets away with things Spawn never did she gets the short stick too many times I think.

I have changed my mind. I don’t need a time machine. I need a clone. Or two. Or three. That would make things so much simpler.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. August 30, 2007 3:02 am

    You’ve tapped into my brain, woman.

    Just the other day, I was wishing for a do-over with my kids, too. Given another chance, I figured, I’d be more patient and more fun and less uptight about everything. But you are who you are, you know, and–as much as it might amaze you sometimes–your kids love whomever you are. (Fuckin’ A, I’ve gone all Dr. Phil and shit. Except that Dr. Phil would never say “whomever,” I’m betting.)

    Also, I know just what you mean about the younger kid. The Boy gets away with more, for sure, but he also has to work a lot harder for attention. Mostly because The Girl’s personality is JUST SO BIG. The Boy and The Girl are so different from one another, and I, as a result, behave very differently with each of them. Or at least I think I do. Of course, I am exhasuted and congested, and I don’t really know what I’m talking about. Probably, as a matter of fact, I should just stop typing.

  2. August 31, 2007 4:20 am

    Regret’s? I’m full of them and they just keep adding up. But then I remember what Laura was saying- I am who I am and I’ll try the best I can.

    And maybe next time when I say “Get off the god damn table” I’ll say it nicer.

  3. August 31, 2007 5:06 pm

    I’ll just need some sample DNA and i’ll get you a clone from the office. Takes like 6-8 weeks for delivery.

  4. September 1, 2007 9:17 pm

    Even though my children are great teenagers, I so miss and long for their little selves.

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