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Each night before I go to bed my baby

August 29, 2007

As I lay my head down on my freshly changed pillow case and slide into my uber find Laura Ashley thrift store kind size sheets I feel so sleepy and leaden that I can barely keep my eyes open to read 3 pages of my book. It droops and drops and it startles me awake enough so I can reach up and pull the metal beaded string on my lamp and shut off the light. Settling into my slumber I feel quiet and low down.

Like the surge of a tide though my mind starts to spark and zap and I find myself dodging pings of thoughts that feel like they are bouncing off my brain like a super ball recoiling and boomeranging back and forth. My eyes open. I force them shut against the stupid thoughts I can’t do anything about at 11:24 at night. I fight against them for a while and at times get caught up in them but then sleep comes. Or I take a benedryl and I force the sleep I must get.

In an instant it is morning time and I have to prod Spawn awake and coax him downstairs to get dressed. Waffles, milk, too many toys at the table and shouts of encouragement to finish and lets get moving. Yes I can tie your shoes. Please let me comb the dreads out of your hair. Let me kiss your dimple above your mouth that only appears when you smirk. Kisses from Chica-Poo and her little arms wrap around my neck so tight as she kisses my cheek and says in her witchy cackle that she wants to play with me before I go to school.

Demands are made about hair-dos and Chica-Poo walks around now all the time brushing her hair. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. The green car rolls up and Spawn hops over to the car grinning at his friends and zoom they are off, like a herd of turtles.

The door shuts behind us and Chica chirps incessantly in a constant and non-stop dialog about her hair, her clothes, my hair, my clothes, her shoes…and she is just 3 1/2. My stomach turns at the thought of what her teenage years will be like but for now she is small and mostly manageable and she loves me. Spawn is probably in line looking at the girls he has just begun to notice and I know my place in line will be second fairly soon.

I spend a good deal of my day telling my children to bug off, stop talking to me for 30 seconds, beat it, stop hanging on me, quit asking me things and to GO AWAY for just a minute. I catch my self regretting those words instantly because I know before long I will be cast aside and not really needed. There might be disdain first instead of blinding love and the wanting of approval.

Maybe this is why I can’t fall asleep?

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 31, 2007 4:13 am

    Hmmmmm…

  2. December 16, 2009 4:01 pm

    I very happy reading your article. Thank you very much for provide nice information.

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