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Saving it up I guess

August 1, 2007

The children were absolute perfection while we were on vacation. Seriously. They were totally delightful and lovely and perfect at every turn. We stayed up late and they were just little dolls. Wild and silly ones, but sweet none the less. They had to sleep in the car some, at strange houses and beds and share a bed and then traveled to new places and slept together again. The only time it was ever obvious that it is weird for small children to be away from home was when Chica would wake up from a nap or in the morning and ask in a frightened voice either, “Is dis home now?” or “Where dis is pwease? Where I am?”. Cute and funny. I did laugh and then  comfort her. No worries that I taunted her forever.

So apparently she was saving up her freak out until we came home. Last night, our first day and night in the house and the first night going to bed in her bed- alone in her room in a week she refused to go to sleep. Screaming and whining and MADE her self throw up 3 times. We changed the sheets twice and once I got her to the toilet. I was so mad I could have pummeled her if this was 1926 and you could still do shit like that and live in ignorant bliss that it was harmful. I yelled. I screamed also. I was a model of patience and love if you idea of that sort of thing involves telling your 3 year old that they “suck and I am so mad at you and you SUCK.”

In the middle of it all thankfully D came up to help me and sort some shit out. Calm his girl down and put a buffer of physical distance between me and the girl. Good grief Charlie Brown but does she push every single button I’ve got! I went in to brother to ask him if he would sleep with her and he declined sadly. She thrashes around he says and he doesn’t like it. Sounds fair and I wish him goodnight.

But Chica is still screaming her fucking head off and out of guilt he comes into her bed because ( and I am not embellishing..) “I don’t want her to be sad because you are being so mean and terrible and are acting like you don’t even love her!”

To which I respond, “Hey! She is screaming at us. And she made her self throw up. She is winning and ahead. We are all awake, in her room with her as she screams. I think she is being meaner.”

Spawn says, “Well, you aren’t acting like you love her very much and she is crying! Don’t you want to help her because you are her Mom!”

Well, sheesh. If I wasn’t so mad at her he might have made me feel bad at that but I was fucking pissed AND she started it. I am so adult.

After a few minutes he says he doesn’t want to sleep with her and we wrestle him out while she wails and screams and claws at her brother trying to make him stay. Poor Spawn cries and cries for his little sister. I hold him as he tells me how much he loves her and asks if she will be alright? She screams some more, we agree to leave her door open and she chills out and goes to sleep. Spawn falls asleep finally. We “adults” have some peace and quiet and that is that.

Tonight at bedtime I tell her again how proud I am of her last night for calming down and going to sleep. What a big girl she was and how really proud of her I am. I ask her why she stopped and calmed down and her reply, “Well, I was juss tired of screaming so I juss stopped betuz I di’nint wan to scream more. Also I did not want to make my brother cry. Tuz I made him cry when I screamed so I stopped. I didn’t want to make him sad more.”

My. heart. stops. breaks. in. to. a. million. little. pieces.

I look at her and kiss her face and neck. She looks at me and for the first time, with out me saying it first, says, “I love you Mama. Doodnight.” and she rolls over and closes and her eyes to sleep.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 1, 2007 3:24 am

    Remember this…

    “Love is messy and complicated but worth it in the long run. If you don’t show it enough–if you don’t use your love enough it slips away and you are all alone looking at the beautiful sky. Beauty is multiplied when you share it with those that you love and that love you.”

    You know I’m laughing though, right? 😉

  2. August 9, 2007 10:08 pm

    Being a psychotherapist to other families, telling people how to parent for years before I became one myself, did not help me avoid scenes like the above at all. I don’t know how single parents manage it without another adult mediator in the house to take over when one loses it. Much of parenting requires that you pretend to be calm when you are not and knowing when to just exit the interaction, especially with an overtired child who is back at familiar home and no longer has to clutch you closely for dear life in an unfamiliar place. What a wonderful description of the episode! Thanks for reminding me what it was like back then.

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