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Family values…OOOoooh I’ve got em!

April 22, 2007

scene: Spectacular birthday party thrown by my one christian friend. I adore her. I think she is just the greatest and am better for knowing her. I love her 4 boys and my two children adore playing with them. Their birthday theme was a “Knights Tournament” complete with jousting (with pool noodles), sword fighting (with GIANT inflatable swords from the dollar store) and sling shot to slay the “dragon” hanging basket from IKEA. It was fun and clever and the kids had such a great time. My friend organized everyone and kept things moving. They broke up geodes for treasure and had a castle cake made with castle Lincoln Logs and frosting. It was awesome. AND there were cheese puffs….my daughters favorite thing on earth and we never buy them. Heaven, for children, so to speak.

I sat alone as the only couple of other families that attended were the two ex-friends I LOATHE the most. I hate one so much that I gave up a coveted spot at a great and near by charter school because the thought of having to go through 9!!!!! years of school with this woman (they only have one class per grade…so one grade is 22 students…) was more than I could take and I would rather commute 20 minutes and put up with endless bullshit at my sons present school than deal with her. I loathe her. She is stupid and socially retarded in a deliberate mean way. Her children are born psychopaths in waiting and her parenting is the type that goes like this: Her son bashes a smaller more defenseless child for no reason and is smiling. And he is 5. She says, “Hey, Don’t hit our friends.” and turns away. He does it again and when it is brought to her attention again, she says more comically, “Aw, don’t hit girls.” and turns away and says, “Gosh, what do you do, huh?”

Oh, I hate her. Plus there is all this stuff she did to fuck up the sinking ship that was my sons previous preschool that are tooooo numerous to mention. One included not really reading a contract she signed with the phone company that she thought was for a one time fee of $200 but was actually a monthly fee of $200 PLUS our phone bill which was billed now by the call!!!!!!! All to have a measley mention in the yellow pages. Our preschool had only one teacher and could accommodate about 42 children total in 3 grades so you can see why we would need a big time ad. Oh, and there is more. But I digress.

ALSO in attendance was the PIG and her piglets and the slug of a husband she has. This girl, yes girl, not a woman and certainly NO lady, was offered my home one summer while we were in Cape Cod. She was a teenage mother and had her first son at 15. I met her through LLL and admired her determination to do the right things by her son. She met a snarfy and stupid short boy who then married her.  She was 18 years old. AND divorced from baby daddy #1. She lived in my house for 6 months. I left very specific instructions about how to clean my hardwood floors, what I expected, how the appliances worked and so on. I called her about 3 weeks or so before we were to return home to give her time to get the house straightened out. I had heard from 2 other friends that my house was TRASHED and disgusting. SO, I wanted to give her to time to remember to clean it up before we returned home. My aunt came by to sweep up and put out some balloons and called me in HORROR and described that it did not even look as though they moved out. There were clothes all over, their furniture and stuff everywhere and the place was filthy. I called the PIG, as she has remained named since this event 4 years ago,  to get her to explain. She told me I was over reacting and I had not even seen the house yet. I told her she knew what I required and it had better be done. OH YEA…I didn’t charge her ANY RENT OR  A DEPOSIT because I am  a nice person and thought the financial break might help her get on her feet and find a nicer place for her and her 3 year old son. I had charged $1200 a month for my house because it is furnished nicely and was convenient to Johns Hopkins Campus on previous occasions. We have moved from that house since. So, we arrive that long, long day of driving from Cape Cod to our home to find it looks like a story from 20/20 where the parents are arrested because their children live in squalor. It took D 4 hours to clean the fridge. It was filled with fruit flies. The bath tub was completely dark brown. The stove was completely covered with goo. Our washer was filled with tiny leaves stuck into the drum. All over the basement, near our washing machine, we found foul bags of old dirty cloth diapers individually wrapped. There were peach pits and dirty dishes inside my secretary. There were dirty dishes and glasses and silverware all over the house. I had 2 complete sets of utensils for a service for 24 and only about 7 sets remained and most teaspoons were missing. All our drawers that had been filled with tapes, dvd’s, cassettes, books and personal belongings were either strewn about the house or missing. Half of my book shelf was missing and maybe placed around the house or gone for good. In the closet still hung her wedding dress. Their bed was still there and my bed that they  (THANKFULLY! now) had moved still lay pulled apart and in pieces in the hallway. There was broken plastic and some glass on the floor. Spawns feet were completely black after walking around with us for just an hour. They had not removed their TV stuff or stero things. Our front window was broken, from the inside as we had a grate on the front window outside. Only our locked bedroom was safe. It was dusty and crammed with objects we worried might get damaged by natural children’s playing and moved them in for safety. Once we had cleaned the house and gathered her things the pile amassed, NO LIE, over 10 feet high and was about 5 feed wide. We called her immediately and told her she must come now to remove her things or we would be forced to curb them as the house was not live-able and dangerous to our small son. She called the POLICE and they came to our house. No, she did not come then. She hung up on me after I called her when the police arrived. They asked if we had  a lease. We said no. They asked if they were still living there and had keys? I said they had sent them back to me 2 weeks before as they had moved out. He said he didn’t recommend curbing everything but they did not really have any grounds. Legally we could keep it because they could not prove that they were living there. They had even left the 5 page front and back note I had left about how to clean up the house so they did not even have that. I called her again and she told me maybe she could come tomorrow. I said that was unacceptable and she must come today and get it all out or we would throw it all away. She complained she had a kid and her husband was at work all night. I told her I did not care. I asked her again when they had moved out. She told me 3 weeks before. I told her she had no excuses and demanded that she come. Eventually she came and borrowed my good friends van, the friend whose house I was at today. She took everything away but left a TON of shit in our alley. She wrote me a note that I ripped up immediately that basically said I over reacted and I wasn’t very nice. She did not apologize but admitted, “there was more stuff left there than I thought.” She gets pregnant again and has a little girl about 5 months before I have my daughter. She is 18. Then she gets pregnant again and has a little boy. Now, at 22 years old, she is having #4 with short, snarfy husband. Her children are constantly malnourished (I guess the lord feeds their souls and that is good enough…YES, BINGO, she is christian too!), never have on proper clothing and are always hungry. Her daughter had on shoes that were 3 sizes too big for her today. In winter they never have their coats on or pants or tights on the girl..just dresses. They are pathetic and disgusting and I hate her. Truly. And I hate her more for making me hate her and forcing me into this situation. One I feel almost incapable of ever letting go. I only tried to give her a break. Save on some rent. Live in a nice house. Be with her new family. Seize an opportunity. But no. Don’t ever do anything nice. It never works out.

SO, it is the party with the loathed frien-emy from the preschool and the PIG. AND then my good friend’s friend– a mother of 5 comes over to be nice. I am anti-social for fear of yelling out horrid obscenities at either person and keep to myself just watching my kids. I smile and nod and make NO CONVERSATION with anyone. At all. Until the friend comes over. She seems cool and hip and has a cute haircut. I like her shirt. She has on lipstick and her kids are cute and sweet. We start to talk and she asks me if I am homeschooling? I say no, our son goes to a local charter school in the city. She tells me her kids go to some religious school I have never heard of but complains that it is hard because not everyone has the same values, you know? She asks me if I have only the two children to which I say, YESYESYES oh fucking christ yes. Well, I don’t say exactly that but it conveys. I smile and say I am in school and our family is just right. She asks me what am I doing? I reply, Oh I am in nursing school to become an RN. She smiles and says, Well! At least that is flexible. You are doing attachment parenting right? It is hard to find schools and other people with the same values, don’t you think? She smiles. I smile-ish. I nod.

I would like to crack her across the face. I am gracious though. She goes away. I think word gets around that I am the heathen among them and there is some whispering. Another woman tells me in a surprised voice that my children seem lovely. And that blond hair. And hmmmm your hair is so brown. But the kids are so cute. And blond.


It was sunny and lovely and warm and I enjoyed watching my kids joust and avoid getting smashed with the wooden swords most of the christian children have brought. They keep complaining to me that they don’t have swords. I explain that we are a non-violent loving family and just go use the blow up ones. At the end they each get to scoop up treasure from a big treasure box with a faux jeweled up. My son scoops up a lanyard that has a cross on it and I say, before I really look at it…oooh cool sweetie, okay lets go–the party is over. He pauses, good heathen son he is and says, “Um, Mama, I can’t keep this…we don’t like these things?” in a polite whisper. I look and say, ooh, no dear and toss it back. To my hosts credit because she is a good nice person that my kids can “throw back what they don’t want and get something else” I don’t get it at first because it doesn’t occur to me that their goodie bags would be filled with christian paraphernalia. They each want a necklace. It has a fish. I say…oooh neato. Lets go. And then when I look at it I realize it is a jesus fish. FOR CHRISTS SAKE! I tell them we need to wire the words DARWIN inside of it and then they can keep it. My ever practical friend Debbi suggested we just add feet! I feel a little better.

But kinda dirty. Alittle slimy. It was weird to watch all those good christian kids bash the shit out of each other with a horrific vengance and snarl and spit at one another as they pretended to kill one another. My daughter ate cheese puffs and my son played sling shot. By himself.

And then we came home.

I feel like a chicken. Part  of me wanted to say what was on my mind and I think my friends, my real ones, think that I would do stuff like that. But I don’t. Really I don’t. I just think it and then write about it. Or tell it to people that have a sense of humor and some real perspective in life versus the ones that have a cross jammed up their ass. But thanks to the POPE..we are saved from the horror of Limbo.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. karen permalink
    April 22, 2007 2:20 am

    Amen to that sister.

  2. April 22, 2007 6:58 pm

    Can I just say out loud that I love you and wish you lived by me? We would have a ball darling….

  3. April 23, 2007 8:51 pm

    Was there a crucifix pinata? Wack-a-Homo? Domino’s Pizza?

  4. April 24, 2007 5:07 am

    But, didn’t you know?

    Love IS God

    and really

    What WOULD Jesus DO?

    Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, we heathen’s are so screwed with all our fucked up views and opinions that we force onto everyone.

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