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Some of the worst 20 things ever

April 12, 2007

1. 1973– Thinking I am SuperWoman I jump from the bed onto the hope chest and miss, gushing blood every where and busting my noggin good. yes, yes, yes…hahahahaha , yea okay so it explains a lot about me…very original of you.
2. 1978– Mad at my Dad because I don’t want to put my snorkel equipment away properly after a day at the beach I toss my expensive new mask onto the concrete driveway and it cracks. I would like to say this was very out of character for me as I was mouthy yes, but tantrumy, no.
3. 1980– I try to ride my bike without holding on to the handlebars and pitch over the side busting open my chin strategically in front of my really cool neighbor Nell as she and her twin brother drive to their birthday party. Their dad stops the car and feels sorry for me because I am a dork and bleeding like a stuck pig and he forces Nell to invite me to the party. She is so not my best friend for the rest of the year after that. Actually she makes sure that NO ONE speaks to me for the rest of the year unless they call me horrid names.
4. 1981–My stepfather tells me he doesn’t love me and he never will and I have to stop talking about my dad. And yes, my mother stays with him and doesn’t try to comfort me at all. At least not that I remember.
5. 1983– My stepmother tells me she has never loved me and resents that I am around the year her son, my little brother is born and she tells me she will always hate me and makes my father choose between us. He chooses her. (one great thing out of that is my brother who is sweet, smart, funny and kind. I adore him.)
6. 1985–I cut off my rat-tail and feel just horrible. Then I feel dirty for growing one in the first place.
7. 1985–I make out with a boy for the first time and he has braces and doesn’t know how to kiss and gives me a fat lip and I am too dumb to complain that it hurts like shit because I have never made out with anyone before. I have a little scar from that badness so THANKS TODD HORST. Or Todd Worst, which is what we called you behind your back. Dork.
8. 1986–Meeting and going out with Dennis Patrick James. Yes, red heads have red hair everywhere. I am scarred for life. I get in sooo much trouble for calling him in the middle of the night. My mom freaks out completely and totally busts a nut over it and really thinking about it now I wish she were still alive because I really don’t see the big deal. She had no idea I had had sex with him and that was really the more troubling aspect.
9. 1987–I go to my first senior prom with this nice boy from Cardinal Gibbons high school. I play quarters for the first time and get incredibly drunk and we go to make out in a field and I pee my pants. And I don’t know it. He makes me sit funny in the car so I don’t get the seat wet. We get to his house and for some weird reason he has a bunch of watermelons and cantaloupes in his basement and I am drunk and fall over and sit on one. We date for another 8 hours until he takes me home and I never hear from him again. Duh.
10. 1987–go to the next senior prom with the captain of the football team of my school. I call him Potato Head because he actually says to me one night while we are laying on the floor watching TV, “Hey, how much do you weigh? You are tiny. I bet I could totally bench press you.” He was also captain of the wrestling team and his name was Troy. And he was a potato.
11. 1988–I lie to my mom and she catches me in my room with my older boyfriend. She is mostly mad that I lied to her and snuck him in. Still no discussion of sex, the dangers, pregnancy, self respect or anything. Now I wish she were around so I could ask her what she was so pissed about? I mean, I know what would make me want to kill Princess Chica-Poo but sheesh, just lying? Hmmm. No. The actual sex part, um, yea, you bet.
12. 1989–Going to school on acid for my typing final. It was fun but I was too afraid to talk to the teacher because she had suddenly turned green and all swirly. I also had not thought it through because I had typing in first period and the rest of the day was too. intense. to. deal. with. And then I was too high and couldn’t figure out where my car was parked so I stayed in school.
13. 1982-present—Constant thoughts of how fat I am and how unworthy I am for anything all because of my size seems like a colossal waste of time and energy. But yet, I do it. A testament to my consistent stupidity. Yea me.
14. 1990–Starting to do cocaine. Bad idea all around. Wasted a lot of money. I did quit and haven’t done it n a long, long, long time.

15. 1990-1992–slept with too many stupid boys to even imagine and I regret most of them because they were lame and dumb and a waste of my time. If I had known the boy that awaited me…I would have passed them all by.
16. 1997–Starting to work for my In Laws. Bad , bad, bad mistake. Waste of time and effort. Miserableness and horrid bleakness. Seth and D were great though and there were many other good things about those years but working for my In Laws, not one of them.
17. 1998–My mother got really sick and went into the hospital and then got a little better. No one thought she would die. Really. So after 3 weeks foolishly I went to home to try and finish college and finals. 4 days later she went into repiratory arrest while I was on the phone with the doctor. I flew home within 2 hours and got to her bedside 4 hours later but it was too late. She died 5 hours after that. And then that was it.
18. 1998–At my moms funeral I would have told the woman who was my moms former boss to fuck off when she told me she divied up my moms possessions at work to her co-workers and that she wanted those xmas stockings my mom was cross stiching for everyone. I think I just stood there blinking and saying things like , “um. um. huh? okay? I’ll see. hm. um….” Fuck off was way more appropriate. There were several others who approached my mothers sister to tell her that just recently my mom told some of her friend Kits friends that if she died they could have stuff but they wouldn’t dream of it and would pay for it. At her funeral. Fuckers. I also would have stood up as her friend Kit made it seem like I was a wench and did not allow my mother any pleasure during my wedding because I did not want it video taped and held up an album he claimed to be the only record of our precious day. He made it seem like I was a self whore. At my moms funeral. And then he sang Kiss Today Goodbye from a Chorus Line. I should have stood up and told him to sit down and shut up. But I did not. I regret that.
19. 2001– not knowing why my little sweetie was born so small and did not grow. I wish medical science has some answer but they did not. I will always feel it was my fault. Until proven otherwise.
20. Present day, so far– Not having my family around while I have a family. My In Laws are not really involved, my mom is dead, my father doesn’t speak to me (nor I him, to be fair…) because I tried to lend him money and had some stipulations that pissed him off and I really only have one Aunt who is not even related by blood. Not that it matters. She loves enough, and my children and family, to make up for all that silliness. I grew up with nights of cards, dinners, laughter, family trips, special holidays and my kids really don’t have that. I miss it for them because it is part of the reason I am the person I am today.

One Comment leave one →
  1. April 13, 2007 1:04 pm

    Wow…I now feel I know you so much better. How you rememer these things…I love #9. I laughed, loud, outloud. Sorry. Thank you for sharing…and thanks for the offline advice.

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