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You so deserve it

January 26, 2007

Our first child, a son was born under very scary circumstances and I had been on bed-rest for premature labor, then my water broke, hospitalization, discovery that he was not growing and an emergency induction. My little chicken was born 1 day shy of 8 weeks but was the size of 12 weeks early at 2 lbs. 14 oz and 15″ long. I felt so guilty and horrible that I could not grow my baby and wondered what harm may come to him as the years unfold and we discover what damage his low weight gain in utero has done to him.

We breastfeed, we stay home, we suffer through many ear infections that are finally diagnosed as HUGE adenoids and they are removed when he is 3 years old.  He is a terrible eater as a toddler and gains weight slowly. We think he must have been an air plant in his last life. Our little chicken becomes a big boy and starts talking, toddling and growing just fine although he will remain a little guy and still is at 6 but matches his peers mostly.

We decide to start trying to have another baby. I desperately want to do it correctly and long for the birth experience that I had dreamed of and that each of my friends seemed to have. No one else I knew had a preemie and most people just don’t understand what that is like. It is especially difficult if your child is otherwise healthy because people do not understand your cautiousness and fear of sickness and germs.

Praise no one and low and behold I get pregnant. We have sex and a few months later, poof, we are knocked up again. I am so exicted but nervous. I feel ill. I am tired. I start to bleed. And bleed. It just squirts out all the time. Literally it squirts out of my cervix and it is a horrid feeling. One morning, at 10 weeks, I wake up and my water feels like it breaks. I call the doctor. They can’t really tell. A few days go by and it is obvious that I am leaking fluid and they don’t really know what to tell me. I continue to bleed and leak. Bleed and leak. It is horrible. Each hour I can feel the little creature slipping away from me but tormenting me is when it will happen. When will I miscarry? Why haven’t I miscarried?

We finally go to the city and meet with high level perinatologists. They do yet another ultrasound. I am elated as I look at the screen and see our sweetie and it appears that the fluid is building back up. I am so happy I am crying. I tell the doctor who has not said anything. She looks at me and says, that is not fluid, that is the placenta. It is laying right on top of the baby pushing the baby to lay flat in my uterus. I have felt no movement in weeks and they detect very little during ultrasounds. The heart rate is just barely normal and the baby is not growing due to lack of fluid. I am now 18 weeks but the baby’s head is at about 14 weeks, the chest measurement is about 12, legs about 10 and that means that it does not have room to grow. They don’t know why I haven’t miscarried but the longer I am pregnant the longer I shall stay pregnant and will likely just give birth to a baby that will most likely die and if not die have terrible complications. They can not say this for any certainty because strange things happen but that is what it looks like right now. I have a large abruption in my placenta and they don’t know how that is effecting the baby. They do know that I am leaking fluid and it is not repairing. I do not have an infection yet but the baby might and that could be the problem. I live 2 1/2 hours from the big hospital, 1 hour away from the local hospital and they tell me I could start to hemorrhage if I go into labor.

My options are to wait and see what happens or to have a D/E abortion to terminate the pregnancy.

I can not bear thinking about giving birth to another baby I could not grow to watch it die or to live in horrid pain due to its womb conditions. I picture my sweet little boy and his darling face and am afraid that I might die if I start to bleed. They tell me that it is likely that I will retain some placenta due to the large abruption and if I induce or go into labor they may have to perform emergency surgery to remove it and one complication from that is that I may loose my uterus.

I cry and cry. The nice woman perinatologist doesn’t know what to do. She hands me a sheet to wipe my snotty face because she can’t find a tissue. I cry and cry. I feel like I am going to throw up. I want my mother. I miss her so terriblely although she would be terrible in a crisis like this. I just want someone to sympathisize and be compassionate. The woman doctor just looks freaked out that I am crying and gives me a few minutes to collect myself. D hugs and kisses my face and is so sorry. There is nothing he can do. I just want my little son and to hold him and smell him.

We have an appointment to meet the next doctor. He is so kind. The first thing he says to me is how sorry this is happening and how much he wishes he were not meeting me under these circumstances. I am so relieved by kindness I cry and cry saying sorry, sorry, sorry. He just smiles and keeps looking at me in the eye. He is warm and kind and holds my hand. He explains to me the differences in inducement versus an abortion. He tells me it is most likely the baby would never live and that I may just deliever before the procedure anyway as I am dilated a smidge now and leaking fluid. We put it off until the last moment, the last day he can perform the surgery.

We stay with our friends who are close by so we don’t have such a long drive first thing in the morning. It is a horrid night. I nurse my sweetie as I lay there being prepped and the anestesiologist comes in and seems shocked I am nursing. I tell him they are just breasts and he probably saw some in medical school. He laughs and does his thing.

My sweetie and my darling, my two boys leave me and wait.

It was a girl the doctor tells me, I was right. I cry and cry and feel like the most horrid person on the planet.

I deserve this. I had an abortion of convenience. Of choice and went on with my life. This is punishment because I am horrible. A murderer, one of my now ex-friends tells me. Another “friend” tells me not to kill my baby and that I will regret not giving birth even if it dies.

I am mostly so afraid that I will die and leave my little boy with out a mother.

After the surgery the doctor tells me there were several abruptions and a lot of old blood in the uterus from them. It was almost falling apart. I have killed our daughter and I will never be able to let that go. I think of it everyday. I name her in my head. I don’t ever say it out loud. Not even to D. I am the worst mother in the world. I am an evil person. I am weak. I don’t want to go through another birth of a deformed child and then watch her die. I won’t. I can not. I can not bear to think of my son living without his mother. I am nursing him still and he is little–only 16 months.

I feel like I can never do that again and that our son will just be it. An only child. I am sad because I was mostly an only child as my half brother grew up on the opposite coast and we never lived together. I hated being an only child. I am so grateful for my brother now and love him so much.

Accidentally we become pregnant almost a year later. I am not afraid. I know this will be fine. Our Chica-Poo was born 3 hours before her due date after a completely uneventful pregnancy without medication, almost like a home birth with my mid-wife. It is gloriously painful and overwhelming. It is wonderful and I have the birth and baby I had always dreamed of.

I name our daughter the same name I had chosen for our first girl but don’t tell D until we have decided on it. I feel like she has come back to me. I lost her once but now here she is. A second chance.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. karen permalink
    January 27, 2007 2:09 am

    Thank you for sharing your stories, so brave and frank.

  2. January 27, 2007 7:08 am

    And again, WOW.

    My friend told me today, she is pregnant- fertility issues, a still born at 8 months, and a 6 year old. I’m terrified for her, but we are keeping our fingers crossed, and legs…

  3. gina permalink
    January 27, 2007 6:02 pm

    cole, that was just beautiful and so sad. i’m so sorry you & D went through that and wish I had known you then. maybe chica-poo is really 2 girls in one–that would explain her amazingly vibrant self!

  4. January 27, 2007 8:34 pm

    Wow…only wow…and thank you for sharing the hardest things to share. That few will ever really understand…but helps those of us who only imagine how difficult this must have been.

    OK that was a lot more than wow….

  5. donna permalink
    January 29, 2007 1:14 am

    what you deserve is the wonderfully beautiful family you have! love ya

  6. Amy B. permalink
    January 29, 2007 2:08 am

    I finally found your blog…I laughed and cried…this is my first blog experience and it was better than I expected- very moving.

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