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Pick your friends, not your nose

January 19, 2007

To believe in the randomness that is a life or choose to believe that there some master plan—some grand design is something I think about all the time. I was talking with a new friend today about choices one makes about your appearance. It got me to thinking about some of the choices I have made a long the way. What opportunities did I pick from that led me to be where and who I am?

I found a mate, a partner, a husband and due to my monogamy I have created this insular world of coupledom. It wans’t until we had children that I really feel like I have found a group of friends. Having children forces you to make friends out of desperation and the thought of being alone with playdough and legos and cheerios and other O sounding words that children seem to gravitate toward. It seems strange to me that the more people I add to my life the more people I seem to need.

When I was single and living alone in the ‘hood, bartending and partying I was content to be alone and do stuff by myself. While I think being alone and doing stuff on my own is still pretty great I don’t think I am good at it any longer. While I do not need or WANT the company of my family at times I do feel kind of naked without them. This family I have created is a large and encompassing entity.

What do people see when they look at me? Does my nose ring make people think I am punk rock or a trendy betty? Do my tattoos scream hipster wannabe or do people even notice?

Time and time again I’ve said that I don’t care. That I’m immune to gloom, that I’m hard through and through. But every time it matters all my words desert me. So anyone can hurt me, and they do

Call in three months time and I’ll be fine, I know. Well maybe not that fine, but I’ll survive anyhow
I won’t recall the names and places of each sad occasion. But that’s no consolation here and now.
Maybe I was too guarded before I had children and becoming a mother has made it impossible to be cut off and immune. Pretending to be above it all or not needing the ear of a friend because I was on my own has definitely worn thin. Growing up and not picking my nose any longer but feeling good about the friends I pick is a little better than I thought it would be.

One Comment leave one →
  1. January 19, 2007 7:09 pm

    This is a lovely reflection. (Took me 60 seconds of “Agh, what is it?” to place the song…)

    I used to care quite a bit about what sort of image I was projecting onto the world, but if you saw me today you’d wonder why I don’t just buy a hairbrush already.

    I am very grateful for my terrific mommy friends, I must say. They do keep me sane.

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