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Tattoo–weirdest, funniest and grossest

January 7, 2007

I have 3 tattoos. One on my lower back/across my hip and two on my right bicep. My back tattoo is my most recent (about 6 years old) and it took about 3 hours to get it done and there I am laying on my stomach and so we get to talking Jeff and  I.

I asked Jeff what were the weirdest, funniest and grossest tattoos he had ever done.

Funniest: This guy comes in and wants the Superman emblem tattooed on his bicep—just like all the guys in Bon Jovi. He even brings in the concert tour book to show how he wants it done. The outline is applied to be tattooed over and Jeff clicks on his gun and gently places his hand on the guys arm…needle not yet touching skin. The dude promptly falls over and passes out cold on the floor. We both laugh and I ask him what he did with him. He said first he stood over him and yelled, arms held up high in victory, “SUPERMANNNNNNnnn!!!!” and then woke him up. I asked him if he got his tattoo and he said yes, of course. He would have looked like a real pussy if he had not gone through with it at all.

Weirdest: This very young guy comes in and looks about 19 years old. He wants to get I LOVE TITS tattooed on his forearm. He doesn’t just want the words, he wants to say it in pictures, like this:

            

In pictures on his forearm this young man wanted to declare his love, for boobs. I thought this to be pretty horrific and stupid but I am a girl not to terribly impressed with boobs ( have some I can see anytime I want?) and so I asked him what he did. Jeff tried to talk the guy out of it by explaining that he will never, ever have sex with a girl again. At least not one that he actually wants to have sex with because any girl impressed with that tattoo is got to be a little dumb. The young man proclaimed that if he would not do it, he would just go down the road and do it. So Jeff relented and said he would do it really big and really cheap. It filled the guys arm completely.

Grossest: This woman and her husband/boyfriend come in and she looks like Hilary Clinton and is in fact a school bus driver. She wants a tattoo and they want to film it and take pictures while it is getting done. She wants her labia tattooed. She wants Jaguars. And now wait and think for a moment….don’t you just assume she means the cats? You know, fierce pussy/fierce cat comparison. BUT no. She wants the cars. They don’t even own one. She lifts up her skirt and she is totally shaved and pierced. Jeff is a happily married man and has been demure, sweet and professional through out my tattoo experience. He doesn’t say anything right away and I don’t want to seem uncool and so I say, “Well, I guess you see that kind of thing all the time.” I am horrified and confused and can not stop picturing this although I desperately want to. It is very icky and demented. He clicks off the gun, rolls his stool over so he can face me and says, “No. That was really, really fucked up.” with a very scarred face remembering the event in  his mind, I am sure. I asked him if he complied and he said he did. He charged them $5000 and it took about 4 hours. They were not allowed to photograph him or any of his tattoos. He said he did not understand why someone would become a gynecologist.

My back tattoo is from the Society of Blue and White Embroidery, Deerfield MA

Not this, but similar and mine has a chicken in it.

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