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Killing me softly with cupcakes

October 27, 2006

I pace around my room, literally, because I am tired of doing squats and situps. I smoke another cigarette and drink some more diet RC Cola. I do some more situps and then I go to bed. Sleep is better because I don’t think about eating or exercising when I am asleep.

I wake up and shower, smoke a cigarette in the car on the way to school and eat an apple from the cafeteria. If I am late for school and don’t get my apple I am not only pretty hungry but also anxious because my rountine is broken. I am broken and bloated enough and a chink in my plan makes me feel all fuzzy inside for hours. I can’t think about what the teachers are saying but luckily it is just typing and I take to it like a duck to water. I don’t have to pay attention. I talk to Tammy who sits behind me. Two years ago she became the SHUNNED ONE at school because it was rumored that she gave a guy a blow job at the movies one night and then later fucked some guy who went to a private school and got pregnant. She looked pregnant and her friends were protective of her. She left school at a certain point and then returned the following sememster. She and I were never tight I just knew who she was because I had gone to school with her since Pinewood elementary. But now she sits behind me and is a pretty cool chick. I like Tammy a lot. I never ask her about the past and she likes me a lot too. Although I am pretty popular, whatever that means in high school, I feel pretty loserish and like the idea of befriending anyone that is nice to me. I like to cover my bases. I am friends with everyone that talks to me. I don’t have a click of friends really just random groups of people that perform special functions. I have my drug friends that I can talk to when I come to school tripping or high. I have my cheerleader friends that know where all the cool parties are and get free beer. I have my old-school friends from middle school and they are the real deal. My boyfriend is so cute and totally not really my type. He doesn’t have a job and I do so I have to pay for every single thing we do that does not involve having sex in his car or making out while watching TV in his basement. I love him because he can sing that acapella Tracy Chapman song with all his heart and he has a soccer ball for his gear shift cap for his shitty yellow car. He likes the way I say we will have 3 boys when we get married. We don’t get married but I still will always love him.
I get home from school and go next door to wait for the girls that I babysit to get home from school. My mom gives them my doll house and I spend time almost everyday sitting in front of it before they get home remembering all the imaginary games I played with it. How I use like to watch the cats walk out through the front door like, “Hi, I am cat and I am off to work. Isn’t my large blue home grand?” The girls’ dad is single and likes to keep lots of junk food around and very little veggies. I have to cook dinner for the girls every day I sit for them and I get creative using shrivled carrots and some ingriedents from my cupboard next door. They love my honey glazed carrots with tarrogon and their dad tells me I have to write down what I made. It is funny how many grown ups can not cook and I can cook anything. Dorks, I think. Cooking is easy. You just think about what you want to eat and then make it.

I pace around the kitchen after the girls go to sleep. Their dad is working the late shift and won’t be home until 9pm. I am talking to Plough on the phone and am freaking out because I haven’t eaten anything but an apple, a peanut butter sandwhich and a grapefruit today and really want some fritos. I don’t even like fritos.Why do I want to eat fritos. I gained a pound last week and am up to 92 and every morsel I eat seems like an entire wedding cake. Or an entire pizza. Or a whole box of cookies. I only eat about 500 calories a day. I have already eaten all I can today and don’t know what I am going to do about the fritos. I am crying and hysterical. Plough is very confused. He suggests that I eat them if I want them? He is very confused. I switch gears and tell him I am getting my period or something and to just ignore what I say. I hang up. Smoke a cigarette on the balcony and wait for the dad to get home. He pays me and I leave.

No bad food in my house. I told my mom I am on a diet. She is happy because I have finally lost all my baby fat and thinks I look terrific. She stocks the fridge with carrots and celery sticks. Even cuts them for me and puts them in tupperware. She buys me grapefruits and rice cakes and diet frozen dinners. She is proud I can fit into her size 2 clothes. She tells me I am beautiful. I feel beautiful sometimes when I am very thin, very hungry and have excerised a lot. I notice how I am no different on the inside but my outside has changed dramatically so I am respected. Thought of in a different way. I keep changing on the outside but the inside remains the same.

dedicated to Gina & Miss Melma who shared an interesting day with me recently. xxoo****

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 27, 2006 5:10 pm

    I am horrified. A guy sang Tracy Chapman? Please don’t tell me he liked the Indigo Girls, too.

  2. Melma permalink
    October 27, 2006 6:22 pm

    Ouch! You are beautiful now, but at 92 pounds–I don’t think so. Thanks to you and Gina for including me; it was amazing.

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