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September 30, 2006

There is this nothingness I have hanging around sometimes. I felt it the first time I was in an airport after my mother died. I watched all of these people coming and going, meeting loved ones, laughing, crying and looking relieved and connected. The orange and grey swirly  pattern rug caught my attention because I did not want to look at anymore people. I was done. Looking at the throng of humans busily going about there lives and beginning or ending some happy adventure was too much to take in. My mother died right before christmas on December 4th or 6th…I can never remember because my grandmother also died on one of those dates and I get them confused. I stayed behind in Baltimore while my husband went back to Ptown to our dog and cats and apartment. There was all this crap to do and I felt too tired to be cheerful and too raw to have to sleep next to anyone for  a while. My shell was hardening and bits of love and kindness were annoying and grating so I sent  him home. Living in my moms tiny Federal Hill townhouse with all of her things, sleeping in her bed, smelling her closet full of clothes that  had the lingering sent of White Linen made me feel  more and more that she was really dead and less and less alive myself. My parents were separated when I was 4 and divorced when I was 6 and my dad moved to California with his parents, 2 sisters and a brother. Mostly it was just my mom and I.

Giving birth to 2 children and not having your own mother around is pretty strange at times. Sometimes I feel lucky because there is no one critizing me or comparing the shite job of parenting I am doing to the shite job they did. I am my own mama boss and there is nothing–no live record spining around to contridict anything I say. Burdened by how I miss her compells me to over mother my children and cling in an unnescassary way to them and what they can become.

I use to feel that I could not imagine my life beyond 30 years  old and always had a sinking feeling that I would die young. Even after meeting my sweetie I could never picture our life together much beyond the present. I am an impulsive person and had attributed my inability to see the future to my imcomptence in planning anything concrete long term because who knew what wonderful oppurtunities could present themselves? I think now it was because my mom was going to die when I was 28 and the life I had always known, the one with her in it is gone. My good friend Debbi told me that I have people around to share the future with but who wants to hear about how swamped I am in my past when it has nothing to do with them? There are no answers or easy outs. My life just is what it is. Most of it is entertaining, healthful, with purpose and interesting. I feel sometimes I have all these loose random puzzle pieces that I must fit together somehow in a hey-I-have-been-up-for-10 days-doing-meth kind of desperate way. I don’t feel sorry for myself and am not  waiting to hear a rousing chorus of “hey you are not alone”.

I just want it to be different and it is not.

One Comment leave one →
  1. September 30, 2006 2:43 am

    I totally get that meth feeling that you described. I sometimes feel that way in the middle of the night.

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