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August 13, 2006

That moment when you realize as a parent, or really, just anyone, that you have compromised something so important a value that there may be no turning back from whence you came? (yes, I used the word whence…ancient language reference how terrible and ominous this is….hum, the Jaws theme in your head)

Everyone has that line in their head they won’t cross. For me you would think it would be taking my clothes  off in front of strangers because I have always thought I was/am fat…even in high school when I weighed about 105 lbs. But, uh-huh, I did it once. I did not flash my cootchie, but other accessories, yes. You might think it would be climbing the 158ft. mast on Clipper City because while I am not afraid of heights–I am DEATHLY afraid of falling off them. Yes, in my mind there is a distinction. You might think it would be any type of public speaking because I generally assume that everyone hates me and thinks I am stupid. I have shoplifted and considered it to be in its highest form to do so while shopping with my mother. I have done and dealt drugs, on a very small time some what pathetic scale. I slept with men without using a condom in the late 80’s and early 90’s and miraculously did not catch anything deadly.

Through out my wild and reckless youth (are you keeping track of how many cliches I have used so far….) I held a few things in my head that I would never do.

I have done one. It doesn’t matter what it was. But I did it. I was foolish. I was rash and immature. NO, I did not cheat on D. That is also a line I feel I could never cross, but now that my true self is revealed and I am apparently capable of terrible things…..who knows? Maybe this is just the first step on the road to ruin.

It is a sad, sad, sad day when you realize what a pitiful person you are. How low. How capable of mean things. This is one of the things I will always most regret.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 13, 2006 4:45 pm

    Probably the only thing of value, outside of math skills, that I learned from Sister Eileen (8th grade) is you shouldn’t say “I would never _” because you never know.

    The great thing about surviving something dumb is you get to learn from it. So congratulations!

  2. laura permalink
    August 14, 2006 5:49 am

    Don’t beat yourself up, kid. We’ve all been driven into the darkness now and then. Just dust yourself off, and move on. And please go ahead and count MY cliches.

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