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What happens when your children grow up and eventually have sex?

August 9, 2006

As my son gets older and older, seemly so quickly, I notice him noticing girls. Pretty ones. Old ones, young ones…whatever. He is always such a flirt. It charms me when I see him bat his eyelashes at a pretty girl and then have her feel his vibe back. He is all about the huggin and kissin his friends, boys, girls, mama’s whatever…he is a lover. He tells you he loves you if you are a special friend. He will also tell you that you look nice or are pretty. My daughter notices all the mamas lipstick at the pool or out somewhere and will say, “I like you pink lips”. She is all about the pink.

I am fearful lately of what the tween years and teens years will bring into our family. I think I would actually lock my children away for doing 1/2 the stuff I did as a teenager. I rarely got caught but put myself into some dangerous situations for sure. I did a lot of drugs and drank a good bit. I rarely drove drunk, just on acid. (very, very slowly around the interstate that leads from the county to the city). I did mix with some terrible people because I thought they were cool and had lots of money because I have had a full time job since I was 14 years old. The first year I had not worked was when I turned 30 and had my son and first child. I had sex way too  young and with people that did not respect me or care for me sometimes. I like to think I was just being a feminist and doing what I wanted regardless of the cultural taboos for women, but maybe I was just insecure. Maybe I needed to think more of myself. Maybe I should have held out for someone like my husband or my husband who really loves ME. All of me. That is what it is all about, despite what the hokey pokey says. Love and respect. But it is hard to find. Is it okay to settle for fun and closeness along the way to love and respect?

I truly feel fearful for how and what I will say to my kids as they grow up and experiement with life.What is the party line I shall tout…Shall I be Bill Clinton and say yes but lie and say it wasn’t any fun? Am I honest and tell them what I regret and what I am glad I did and what I miss still? (like acid….((wistful sigh))….but seriously, I don’t think I could do it now…to much to think about that is real and important) OR do I lie and say that I NEVER did anything like that so they can’t either?

I want to protect my daughter from wanting the affection of some asshole. I want to make sure my son is not an asshole to some girl. I think that there are 2 things that people don’t really cop to when you have a baby yourself.

1. Sleep deprivation is real and it sucks. No matter how you feed them.

2. They will grow to want to do all the bad stuff you did as a young person/young adult.

How do I let them live while keeping them from making the same mistakes I did? My mom sure didn’t. BUT, she is dead and I can’t question  her on her parenting choices and why somethings went down the way they did. Like when she caught me having sex with my boyfriend in  my room and was just mad that I lied to her. Never asked if I was using a condom or birth-control or if he loved me, or if I was okay…she was just PISSED. I don’t want to be like that. Is it inevitable that you turn into your parents?

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. August 10, 2006 1:10 am

    It’s inevitable that you turn into your parents. Don’t fight it – it’s your density.

  2. ginapea permalink
    August 10, 2006 3:28 am

    I so do NOT agree with Keith! I know I am already 1000x better as a parent than my parents were. I am far, far from perfect but I have not molested my child, told him I expect him to be perfect, used him as my adult sounding board, or disappeared from his life for chunks of time. I think parenting is part instinct, part habit/perpetuation of what you were taught, but can be mostly conscious decisions and choices.
    That you are critically thinking about all this stuff shows you are far ahead of the game.

  3. August 10, 2006 4:51 pm

    I struggle with the honesty bit. I haven’t decided yet. I don’t think I’ll lie, but I’m not sure how much information is appropriate, or if there should be a “that’s not the issue” policy.

    My students used to ask me about my teenage behavior all the time. My standard line was that I wouldn’t discuss it because 1. if I said that I never did anything, they’d say “Well then you don’t know what you’re talking about, and 2. if I admitted to experimenting in high school, they’d say I was a hypocrite for telling them not to have sex, drink, etc. Anyway, it got some interesting discussions going.

    But for these boys? I’m thinking of moving to a very, very rural, remote area and convincing them that it’s 1860. We’ll start a banjo band.

  4. lonesomewolf permalink
    August 10, 2006 6:11 pm

    My kids are 12 and 10. It is a tough thing to think about. I was a male whore in my teens and I would never want my boys to do what I was getting into. I hope some honest talking and some good values that they were brought up with, will pull them thru. I am not looking forward to it when they get into the dating game!

  5. Heidi permalink
    August 10, 2006 7:30 pm

    Looks like everyone on here was a whore in their teenage years 🙂

  6. manofthenorth permalink
    August 21, 2006 10:58 am

    The truth will set you free. How much of the truth they can handle is another question. Most folks usually can’t handle the truth. Rule is to tell the truth and only the truth that needs to be told. Nitty gritty details belong in a diary that is used for you to sort things out and get on with. As adults our inexperienced kids are going to do and say things they know nothing about. It is normal and it is the road to experience. Unfortunately, there is pain on this road, but there is also hope. Hope that you have taught them right from wrong as children. That in itself is purity of growing up.

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