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Epiphinous Analogy Part Deux: Motherhood is like Scientology

August 1, 2006

While putting my daughter to bed tonight it dawned on me the reasons I am a sometimes sucky mother. I just don’t have enough money. Seriously. If I were rich (hum that song from Fiddler on the Roof if you know it) I could send them to music and language classes as a toddler. I would only serve organic pure food prepared by our in house chef. I would always have time for special things and quality time because our maid would be doing all the housework. I would feel refreshed and up to the challenges of motherhood after my hour long private Pilates session and a freshly juiced glass of tangerine and cucumber elixir. Focusing on the children’s needs and growing interest would be a piece of cake because while I spent time with one child, the other would be taking its private tennis lesson with their nanny over at the club. If I had a ton of cash I would be able to be the perfect mom I think I should be because money gives you time to do fun and enriching things instead of doing the regular mundane things that need to be done when you have no maid, nanny or chauffeur. Like laundry, dishes, cooking, scrubbing various crusty household do-dads, shopping for food and sundries, driving back and forth to school and a myriad of other crap that has to be done. This all the while you are also trying to keep up with personal hygiene (shout out to you Debbi…you take that 30 seconds to brush your teeth while your little peach is crying for his milky-unit-of-3 to attend to him), a sex life, an adult conversation here and there that does not involve your spouse/partner, conversation with your spouse/partner without the aid of your 2 and 5 year old, sleeping atleast 4-5 hours in a row with out being awakened cause someone either threw up or wet the bed and to quote myself….blahblahblah.

So you see, Motherhood is like Scientology because if you are rich you can advance to the next level. I think the highest level in Scientology is you actually become an alien. If I were a perfect mother that is what I would be…an alien. I know lots of great moms. I actually stood in the shallow end of the pool today with several of my favorites…like Donna (the hottest mama ever), Laura (she writes the way I wish I could), Megan (truly the nicest and smartest chick I have known in a while) and Jonna (I don’t’ know her very well yet but she has a killer tattoo and sexy VA those southern gals). We stood there in the shallow end of the pool watching our children belly flop into the pool (my daughter and Maddie) or juggling our clinging children so they either could fall asleep(goodnight Felix) or to keep our suits from falling down. In the hot, hot, hot humid sun and sky I am pretty content to know that I will never turn into an alien.

One Comment leave one →
  1. laura permalink
    August 1, 2006 5:12 am

    A good time in the pool, as always. Thanks for the compliment. Hope to see you in the shallows on Wednesday.


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