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I shall let someone elses child drown

July 30, 2006

We belong to this great pool. They had free beer on July 4th and most moms nurse their babies in public and have tattoos. It is kind of a weird spot as most of those things are kinda unusual in most places. There are a couple of kids at the pool that are a–not problem per se, just well, annoying and/or disgusting for various reasons. The first child, I like to call her Large Girl That Needs a Mama. She is an overweight young girl, probably about 9ish? and is extremely hungry. All the time. If you have food, she comes over and starts asking, “What is that? Pizza? I had pizza once. That looks good. I haven’t eaten at all today. Hmm. What are those? Pretzels. Is she eating them? (pointing to my daughter who has a mouthful of pretzel) I ‘ll take some.” She says this while her hand is in the bottom portion of her bathing suit, scratching herself. No lie. She goes to stick her grimy cootchie hand in my baby’s pretzels and I say, “wait there, I will hand you some…and then that is all I am giving you.” I did not tell her it was nothing personal, but I did not want cootchie in my pretzels. That would not be like th charming childhood commercial, “Hey, you got peanut butter in my chocolate…” Cootchie does not go with anything. She gave me a smirk and waked away with a fist full of pretzels. The other day, my brave and lovely friend Debbi-of-the-twins (that is her new name…she has ceased to exist as  separate person while they are a unit of milky-3) was visiting the pool with our friend Donna (aka..the hot mom at school, the pool, where ever…) and her son Justin had just gotten a Popsicle. Large-girl-that-needs-a-mama came up to my sons best friend and stated, “You have a Popsicle…who is your mother?” So Justin being the agreeable and always willing to introduce his mom, the supa-star to anyone, takes Large over and says, here she is! Large states..” I have not had any breakfast, lunch or dinner (it is about 1pm). I want a Popsicle.” Much to her credit, Debbie just says “No” and does not suggest that by judging the size of her, she could have skipped a meal and been okay. This goes with out saying that we are both concerned about her vegetable and fruit intake, but Popsicles, we fell confident she could skip one.

The other annoying kids at the pool belong to a nice enough mom but she does not pay any attention to them. She sees the pool as “me” time and I never see her playing or talking with them. They eat together and that is all. Her son and daughter are CONSTANTLY saying, catch me, watch me, look at me…let me ride your back and drag me around the pool. We try our best to not let our own kids drown as that is our only job as parents–KEEP THE CHILDREN ALIVE! So I say as sweetly as I can, “Sweety darling, I can’t watch you because my daughter is only 2 and she could drown if I don’t watch her. I can’t catch you and her at the same time. Don’t you want your mom to see? Where is your mom?” Usually this works , but the other day, the little guy was pretty persistent. I said, No sweetie, I cant’ ride you on my back and please don’t jump on me and pull down my suit. So he follows me. And is spitting on me. Over and over. So after the 4th time, I whip around using my MEAN MOMMIE voice and say, “Hey! Don’t spit at me. That is not polite. Go and find your mother. I am not playing with you right now. Maybe tomorrow.” grrr. (thinking in my head, you little fucker, you are lucky that I believe in non-violence twerp….BTW…that is not really swearing cause it is just in my head.) He swam away. Scowling. Glaring really. And said, “Okay!” smiling at me.

Kids are resilient. I need to rid myself of the “SUCKER” sign I  have on when ever I am at the pool. Now if I can only get my daughter to let me swim alone during adult swim, I will have perfected the pool experience.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 30, 2006 3:33 am

    I’d like to take the counterpoint position on the age old argumet, “Cootchie does not go with anything.”
    But, alas I am too tired tonight, so I will save my debate for another day.

  2. July 30, 2006 7:00 am

    I’m gonna haveta go with Kieff on this one and disagree on your non-cootchie food pairing statement, but since i AM your brother, i will politely refrain from listing the implied side dishes 😉 You can thank me later.

  3. laura permalink
    July 30, 2006 4:49 pm

    One time, Thom threatened to report one of those annoying kids to the lifeguard. Yet still the mother talks to me.

    And by the way, haven’t you ever heard of Reese’s Cootchie Butter Cups?

  4. July 30, 2006 11:58 pm

    Thanks for the rundown on some of the pool personalities, Cole. Very entertaining. And helpful, should I find a large girl hovering inexplicably around my bag of chips. Thanks a lot for the link, too. I’ll be glad to recip.


  5. July 31, 2006 12:13 am

    Ew ew ew ew ew! I would say it’s time to get your own private pool, but I wouldn’t till your kids are bigger. I’d just hose them down in the backyard. Those stories are so depressing.

  6. Gina permalink
    July 31, 2006 1:07 am

    While in the exact scenario above I have to agree with you, I have to side with the boys regarding the general sentiment. 🙂

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