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I have carpenters disease, my chest is falling into my drawers

July 25, 2006

quote, Mark Abernathy

My body has really gone down hill since my kids. I don’t know anyone (except one person) for whom nursing has been a weightloss program. I just stay fat, unmotivated and hungry. (sorry Debbi…maybe with twins it works?) I am sure being sleepless is a big factor in my motivation. I swear I would sell my soul for 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I feel because right now nursing is a big part of my daughters life night waking at 2 1/2 is an issue. But really, she is awake now, or won’t sleep which is totally unlike her because she is scared. Well, I am scared of my ass in my new silvery bathing suit , but you know, I keep wearing it. I don’t know how her brain goes from asleep, unconscious, to awake and frightened of basically nothing. A month ago she was in our garden holding worms and bugs. Now, she screams and crys at everything. Especially at night. Like right now. I have been interrupted by her screaming, even though she is in my bed she wants me to go to bed, at 9:30pm. Well, I am not tired and will not make this a habit. I know all my LLL friends would be going to bed with them, cosleeping and nursing at will…but I just don’t wanna. I want part of my self, at night, to myself. Also, she has always been fine. yikes. I am the worst mother in the planet cause when she is screaming at me that she wants me, I am standing right there. I lay down with her and she keeps herself awake so I don’t leave. If she sleeps with us she wakes up to nurse 2 or 3 times before 7am. That is TOO MUCH AT HER AGE. For me. For others, is is not. For me IT IS TOO MUCH.

I feel so torn between what I think would be best for her and what is best for me. In LLL I find many women don’t worry about that balance. After you kiddo is about 1ish…ya know…they can get what you are saying and are pretty aware of stuff. You can try to reason with them and explain. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad I am nursing my daughter. I am grateful that it has been relatively easy for me because I am determined to do it and had/sought out good support. I also came from a family that breastfed, except for my mom who didn’t and she is dead (sorry, there is never a nice/easy way to say that) and my maternal aunt who adopted my cousin at about 3 months. So I am pretty supported and there is history in my family. But, I am the only one who cares that they should only watch about 30 mintues of TV a day and I feel guilty about that and they do not eat junky food rarely if ever and we co-sleep and practice gentle discipline and do MOST of the attachment parenting things. I am sure that if I went to any of my family with my problem of my daughters sudden fright and night waking, they would tell me to let her suck it up. I want her to do that, but am not capable of letting her cause I don’t think she can. It is a phase. Much like many of the obnoxious things she does. It will pass and develop into something equally as obnoxious and I just have to wait it out for the next thing.

Too bad I don’t mediatate. (too impatient) Too bad I don’t believe in Jesus.(uh…nope) Too bad I don’t just smack her a good one.(like to, will not).

So that pretty much leaves me with bupkiss. Yes, that is a word in my made up language.

So heres to bupkiss….I will drink to that.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Gina permalink
    July 26, 2006 1:36 am

    ugh, i remember that period of time…i thought sam would NEVER sleep more than an hour without waking and demanding my presence. even just last year, he would wake up at about 11 and walk in the hall and just stand there until i came upstairs. prior to that he woke up regularly, crying hysterically. for a long time he would not stay asleep if one of us wasn’t there. i had this great tiny book light, and eric and i would take turns in the bed reading. actually you should get that and you could probably study–it’s at bookstores, called teh itty bitty book light or something. it was fabulous. i can’t find it in my house.
    power to ya, sister. attachment methods are soooo not the easy way out!
    for the weekend–i am free saturday afternoon and beyond if you want to hang out….doing let’s dish in the morning.

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