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Friends and divorce

May 19, 2006

One of my oldtime friends from 7th grade and beyond is getting a divorce after 14 years with her spouse. They met the year after my husband and I did and have 3 children. She and I went to dinner last night and I listened to her story and her worries. She is beautiful, smart, successful attorney, driven, responsible, funny, active and a loving mother and she just kept saying how she is too young to be going through this. How will anyone else want her and her 3 kids?

I feel so sad today. I listened to her and heard my own thoughts echo through my head. I am critical of my husband. I don't let the little things go as often as I should. I am disappointed in his choices and tell him so. I am short tempered too often. I do not want to drive my husband away by my nagging, less active sex drive and critical nature. I want to always be married, to my husband and to raise our children together.

When we got married we decided it was FOREVER, pretty much (with few exceptions) no matter what. My mother was divorced 3 times and my dad 2 times. His parents were separated for a little more than 2 years but got back together. We know what it means to get married and did not take the prospect lightly. So we have made this little marriage island that we must live on. Happiness is important to survival on the island and I feel inspired to make our island a happy place.

What kind of island do you live on?

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Heidi permalink
    May 19, 2006 7:43 pm

    Interesting topic – your subject line caught me right away.

    All I can really do is to speak for myself. I was married to my husband for exactly 5 years. Well I guess technically I’m still married to him b/c we haven’t officially been divorced yet but mentally, physically and emotionally that is when our marriage ended. I guess for some that isn’t such a long stint. I clearly never believed that I would get divorced, especially in the very beginning. But I think the decision is never taken lightly. I don’t think most people just give up on their marriages and committments but rather it happens over a long period of time. Some people stay married when really they shouldn’t stay married I think this can have more of a negative effect than divorce can. Personally my decision to move on was the best decision of my life. Based on my situation even if I tried to reconcile things with my husband it would never work b/c my trust in him was completely shot. 100% gone from that point that I found out he lied to me forward. I can forgive the cheating. I really don’t care about the sex in and of itself, what I can’t forgive is his total lack of communication that he was not happy and his lack of respect to not even be man enough to say up front, I’m not happy, something needs to change. Sometimes I think to myself that I’ll probably never find someone I love as much as I love(d) him, but then I realize that is OK too. I have many friends, many more than I had when I was married and I’m doing OK. Plus I don’t think I really want to have to share my life completely with another human being other than my son – unconditional love I mean. Sure I love alot of people but the option is always there for me to turn my back if something extreme were to happen between us. That isn’t the case with children. For me that option does exist for every other person I have ever known, including my parents and significant others.

    I’m not sure where I’m really going with this by my island is one of solitude but not loneliness. My motto now is to be happy and content with what I’ve got rather than to want what I don’t have. It may sound cheesy but it’s working for me.

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